Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Tales from my hairy life

Folks, have you ever stood in front of your mirror, staring at your face?  We're such a hairy people.  It's no wonder aliens abduct us.  I'll bet they knock us out, drag us to their examination rooms on their ships and then just stroke our eyebrows and pluck our nostril hairs in awe.  I bet they're super jealous.

I groomed myself this morning, plucking stray brow hairs and trimming nose hairs.  I was too scared to tackle the mustache though.  And whilst I stood tilting my face side to side, checking out my nose forrest, I got to remembering this post...

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My latest dream

Welcome to the Jay Conan O’Lettermanaleno show! With special guest- Kearsie who wrote the book How I Became An Expert In Nostril Hair!

Applause and cat calling as I take my seat. I wave to my fan club on the right.

“So Kearsie, this is your book all about how you became an expert in nostril hair. Congratulations! I’ve read it and I must say, I am impressed!”

“Thanks, Mr. O’Lettermanaleno.”

“Please, call me J.C.”

“Ok, thanks, J.C.”

“So tell us about how this book came to be.”

“Well, there just wasn’t much out there that talked about how to have great nostril hair and one day, staring at the copious nose hair sprouting from my nose, I just decided to take matters into my own hands.”

Audience hoots in appreciation.

“And folks, let me just say, if you can’t see Kearsie’s nostrils from where you’re sitting, you are missing a real treat. They are gorgeous! Ray, can we get a close up?”

Audience ooohs as they see my nostrils up close.

I blush.

"Now Kearsie, please tell us, did you always have success at getting perfect nostril hair? I imagine that’d be a difficult skill to develop.”

“Yes, J.C. my journey to perfect nostril hair has been long and hairy.”

Audience laughs at my pun.

“In fact, you can read about the time I tried using kitchen shears to trim my nose and ahahahaahah accidentally clipped my right nostril! Or the time I used tweezers and was crying by the time I was finished. Or HAHAHAHAH the time I accidentally poked tiny nail scissors into my brain! Phew! that’s a good one.”

Jay Conan O’Lettermanaleno shakes his head in admiration at my words.

“So folks, head out to your nearest Barnes-a-Million and pick up a copy of How I Became An Expert In Nostril Hair!

10 comments:

Shell said...

Hilarious!!!!

ElegantSnobbery said...

OMG, you kill me. This was hilarious. I have a mustache. You are the first person (besides all the people who see me IRL on a daily basis) to know that. I didn't have a mustache 5 years ago. Its a kid-induced mustache, I'm positive about that. Stinkin' kids.

I'm glad I'm not the only hairy person out there.

Beth said...

I am so glad you are included in the blogs I read regularly! I need more laughter in my life! :)

Dee Crowe said...

OMG---I was just admiring my nose hair today and wondering if anyone else thinks about the sprouts that sprout about in places that mother nature obviously had a sick humor about....I about fell out of my chair laughing when I read this!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

What is it that makes our subconscious come up with this stuff? It can't possible be a secret desire to be a nostil hair knowitall. I had a dream that I met Danny Elfman (of Oingo Boingo and Tim Burton movie scoring fame) at a country inn. Random much?

My Mercurial Nature said...

So funny!

Insanitykim said...

Try not to hit your head repeatedly with your palm...you'll get a hairy forehead.

The Retired One said...

Love your sick,sick humor!

MiMi said...

Next book should be called, "How to properly condition and pamper your nose hair." :)

Creative Junkie said...

If you think this way about nostril hair, I would just love to hear your thoughts on places down under. I think that would be a great topic for Jay Conan O’Lettermanaleno show.

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