Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

All systems go

You will all be pleased to know that insurance has granted permission for surgery.  I know, you were all perched at the edge of your seat, just waiting for this joyous news.  

We shall pick a surgery date soon.

But first, I must schedule *dum dum dummmm* ... a mammogram.  You know you wish you were me.

Also, before I go, let me share with you one of the funniest spam messages ever.  This came into my inbox from the last post.

You recall what I wrote last past, yes?  All about seeking a breast reduction?  Ok.  Well keep that in mind.  

You've raised two interesting points in this post.

Indeed I have, random spammer.  Indeed I have.  Oh, the irony.

Carry on with your weekend, kind readers.  

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bosom Buddies: The Beginning of the End

*My apologies to any and all people who read this that don't like discussions about breastesses and bosoms and chests and girly doctors.  Like possibly my mother in law.  I promise to not always write such smut.


It's been...*carries the two, divides square root of a month, subtracts interest and sales tax*...a month or so since I last blogged.  Life.  She is a busy and demanding thing.

And so much is going on.  Not only do I work and feed the kids and wash the underwears, but my body has decided to make some demands.

No, this is not a fetching and catchy way of saying I'm pregnant.

Moving on.

See, I have this issue with my wrist.  Aaaaand long story short, it turns out I have rheumatoid arthritis and blah blah have to take medicines and blah blah have erosion happening in the structure of my bones in said wrist and blah blah blaaaaah.

But that's not what this post is about.  Clearly.  Because, even in my imagination, Bosom Buddies icon_notequal.gif rheumatoid arthritis.  Or maybe if it does if I'm influenced by the evil cake and Diet Coke.

So.  Back to the topic.  The Bosoms.

See, here's the skinny on my body.  Long ago, in the wee beginnings of my adolescence, I was generously endowed by the bosom fairies at the tender age of 13.  I did not make the walls jealous.  I was not called Flat Alice.  Nay.  So very nay.  I was so the opposite.  And ever since Landon Hessler shouted to the entire school bus "Kearsie's got boobs!", I've been planning on having breast reduction surgery.  Yes, for that long.  

But life has a way of tossing me obstacles like having babies and nursing said babies and not having health insurance and being broker than the Ten Commandments to keep such dreams of surgeries from happening.

Until now.

And so the process has begun.

And, because I'm me, and cannot have ordinary experiences of any kind, hilarity ensues and I must share it with you fine peoples.  Have I told you I love you?  Nay?  Well, I am full of the deep most fondness for you dear readers.  All three of you who still read The Drivels That Issue From My Fingertips.

Aaaand moving on again.

So.  When one goes to the doctor to pursue a breast reduction, here is what happens.  You go, you are told what to expect with the surgery, you speak to the surgeon, you are examined by the surgeon and he tells you "You're a keeper" and has giant googley eyes and throws phrases like **"gigantic mammoplasty" around.  Which makes your husband snicker.  Then, you go get your pictures taken by a helpful nurse and something like this takes place...

Setting:  Nurse's office.  You're half naked wearing a purple kimono and the nurse holds a giant camera. You try to act as though this happens all the time and are thus, blasé.  

Nurse:  Ok, if you'll just take off your kimono and stand up straight up against that wall.

Me:  Sure. (No big deal, I do this all the time.  Ahem.)

Nurse:  Now, if you'll just stand straight I'll...*snaps picture*...ok good.

Me:   Good.  (Must not make a dive for my kimono.  I am sophisticatedy, yes I am.)

Nurse:  Now just turn to your right.

Me:  (Must break the ice with the Nurse so I feel more comfortable)  So, is it bad that these are my first nudey pics?

Nurse:  *blushing*...Um.  If you'll just turn to the other side...*takes pic*

Me:  Man.  My husband would be mortified I just said that out loud.  (Oh, God why did *I* just say that out loud??)

Nurse:  ...Yes I can imagine.  Now face towards me again.

Me:   We're pretty vanilla at our house, you see. (blather blather blather)

Nurse:  *avoiding eye contact*  We're pretty straight laced too.  Ok, you can get covered up now.

Me:  (Phew.  Is this how porn stars feel? Also, how fast can I put this kimono back on?)

End scene.

**Also, your husband calls you Gigantor the rest of the evening.

Breast reduction.  It's lots of fun.  You should totally try it!  

Have a happy Friday, folks.

Related Posts with Thumbnails