Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bosom Buddies: The Beginning of the End

*My apologies to any and all people who read this that don't like discussions about breastesses and bosoms and chests and girly doctors.  Like possibly my mother in law.  I promise to not always write such smut.

So.

It's been...*carries the two, divides square root of a month, subtracts interest and sales tax*...a month or so since I last blogged.  Life.  She is a busy and demanding thing.

And so much is going on.  Not only do I work and feed the kids and wash the underwears, but my body has decided to make some demands.

No, this is not a fetching and catchy way of saying I'm pregnant.

Moving on.

See, I have this issue with my wrist.  Aaaaand long story short, it turns out I have rheumatoid arthritis and blah blah have to take medicines and blah blah have erosion happening in the structure of my bones in said wrist and blah blah blaaaaah.

But that's not what this post is about.  Clearly.  Because, even in my imagination, Bosom Buddies icon_notequal.gif rheumatoid arthritis.  Or maybe if it does if I'm influenced by the evil cake and Diet Coke.

So.  Back to the topic.  The Bosoms.

See, here's the skinny on my body.  Long ago, in the wee beginnings of my adolescence, I was generously endowed by the bosom fairies at the tender age of 13.  I did not make the walls jealous.  I was not called Flat Alice.  Nay.  So very nay.  I was so the opposite.  And ever since Landon Hessler shouted to the entire school bus "Kearsie's got boobs!", I've been planning on having breast reduction surgery.  Yes, for that long.  

But life has a way of tossing me obstacles like having babies and nursing said babies and not having health insurance and being broker than the Ten Commandments to keep such dreams of surgeries from happening.

Until now.

And so the process has begun.

And, because I'm me, and cannot have ordinary experiences of any kind, hilarity ensues and I must share it with you fine peoples.  Have I told you I love you?  Nay?  Well, I am full of the deep most fondness for you dear readers.  All three of you who still read The Drivels That Issue From My Fingertips.

Aaaand moving on again.

So.  When one goes to the doctor to pursue a breast reduction, here is what happens.  You go, you are told what to expect with the surgery, you speak to the surgeon, you are examined by the surgeon and he tells you "You're a keeper" and has giant googley eyes and throws phrases like **"gigantic mammoplasty" around.  Which makes your husband snicker.  Then, you go get your pictures taken by a helpful nurse and something like this takes place...

Setting:  Nurse's office.  You're half naked wearing a purple kimono and the nurse holds a giant camera. You try to act as though this happens all the time and are thus, blasé.  


Nurse:  Ok, if you'll just take off your kimono and stand up straight up against that wall.


Me:  Sure. (No big deal, I do this all the time.  Ahem.)


Nurse:  Now, if you'll just stand straight I'll...*snaps picture*...ok good.


Me:   Good.  (Must not make a dive for my kimono.  I am sophisticatedy, yes I am.)


Nurse:  Now just turn to your right.


Me:  (Must break the ice with the Nurse so I feel more comfortable)  So, is it bad that these are my first nudey pics?


Nurse:  *blushing*...Um.  If you'll just turn to the other side...*takes pic*


Me:  Man.  My husband would be mortified I just said that out loud.  (Oh, God why did *I* just say that out loud??)


Nurse:  ...Yes I can imagine.  Now face towards me again.


Me:   We're pretty vanilla at our house, you see. (blather blather blather)


Nurse:  *avoiding eye contact*  We're pretty straight laced too.  Ok, you can get covered up now.


Me:  (Phew.  Is this how porn stars feel? Also, how fast can I put this kimono back on?)


End scene.


**Also, your husband calls you Gigantor the rest of the evening.


Breast reduction.  It's lots of fun.  You should totally try it!  


Have a happy Friday, folks.



9 comments:

rebecca said...

Hahaha! I can't believe you did that to the poor nurse (who obviously had no sense of humor)...but still! I guess I must be one of the 3 people reading your dribble, so I should get a prize or cake :)

Marisa Hopkins said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HA-ha... ha. *wipes eyes* Ha. Ha. HAHAHHA!! *blows nose* Hahahahahaha.

Ha.

PHEW, that was some funny stuff.

Well, except for the you have Rheumatoid arthritis part. That part sucked. :( I hope you feel better!!!

Also, YAY, you're back!

Sara said...

Oh friend, I missed you!! But I understand, even in my house of two, the laundry doesn't do itself. I'm sad about your RA, but happy for your impeding surgery. Well, the outcome anyway. And also, a little embarassed for the nurse...

Insanitykim said...

Like I've always said, you're a keeper! Or, is that what the doctor said? I can't remember now...

Please keep us abreast of the process, I know it's hard JUGgling a job and home priorities, but you're going to have to get all the funnies off your chest through this process. Knockers on my door when you write the next post, ok? Thanks!

Jenny Bunny said...

Ohmygoodness... I just laughed so hard I think I broke something....

You are too funny.

Good luck with the boob thing.. I always wanted one too.. Now I'm just hoping for a lift after I boob-feed my future kids.. they ain't so perky even now, I can only imagine after that... *sigh* I missed your blogging.

Shelley said...

Wow a breast reduction? That's a complicated surgery! Good luck, if you haven't already done it!

Aunt Melissa said...

the breast reduction surgery isn't so bad; just ask me! LOL

and the RA/wrist thing, that's so much fun too. I've done both.

No seriously, I know the purple kimono and pics too. Someone told me once that I should have taken pics of them before I had surgery. I would have, but was told this AFTER I had the surgery. Just think about that.

Lauren said...

I felt a little awkward for you during that photo sesh :)

Glad you are back to blogging and no longer must be subject to phrases like "gigantic mammoplasty" or "gigantor"

The Retired One said...

I have missed you! A friend of mine had breast reduction and she was so happy she did it...so I wish you the best of luck...I am sure you will be thrilled with the results. And your husband is so special to support you in this decision, every step of the way.

Related Posts with Thumbnails