Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Keyboard Confessions - the packing edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.

1.  Dude.  I almost forgot to post my Keyboard Confessions.  My KCs, if you will.  I know.  I'm shocked, too.  It's this packing.  It's incessant.  It's mind sucking.  It mind sucks.  It just plain sucks.

2.  Guess what?  I'm fairly certain you could design a room with what I've donated to the Goodwill.  I mean, it wouldn't be a room you'd see on HGTV, but you know, it'd be aiight.  For a bag lady or someone.

3.  Why am I giving so much up, you ask?  Well, inquisitive reader, it's because SOMEONE has this crazy HAIRBRAINED idea to only go to our new apartment with the contents of our car trunk.  And then wait a month for the inlaws to visit, bringing what will fit in their truck.  And then ship the rest.  One day.  Many moons from now.

4.  Let me just say, that SOMEONE isn't me.  I'll bet you'll never guess who SOMEONE is.  Also, I hope SOMEONE doesn't read my blog anymore.  Or else, SOMEONE will be giving me the evil eye at dinner tonight.  I still love you, SOMEONE.

5.  You know what I don't love?  Packing.

6.  I'm fairly certain I can bring my knitting with me if I shove it under my car seat.  Surely all those french fries won't bother my yarn and needles.

7.  Why are we so crazy?  It's because we're out for ADVENTURE.  And maybe ALCOHOL.  Or SHARP OBJECTS TO INSERT IN EYEBALLS.  *cackle maniacally*

8.  Note to self:  the next time you pack the whole house, leave the kids' toys for last, instead of first.  Because guess what?  They don't want to play with serving spoons and twist ties.

9.  My BP meds are working.  Just so you know.  Also, it's about the only positive thing I have to report.

10.  I think me and the Goodwill lady are on BFF basis.  I expect her to hug me the next time I show up with another carload.  This is a big improvement from that one horrible Goodwill experience.  Magic happens at thrift stores, people.

11.  I just had to sift through about 900 billion posts to locate the above linked post.  What I do for you people.

12.  Whilst at the doctor's office today, as I was checking out, I took a sniff and remarked to the clerk that her lotion smelled nice.  She kind of cocked her head to the side in confusion but politely said thanks.  I left, got in my car, and realized what I was smelling was my deodorant.

13.  At least it smells nice.

14.  Swimsuit shopping = how to burn 150 calories and sweat a gallon.  Also, it's like sausage casing.

15.  Also, I might've compared swimsuit shopping to my mother as shoving an apple into a condom.  She's my mom, I'm allowed to say the word condom.

16. ...oh man, I need to wash my hands and eyes.  Be right back.

17.  Last night, in the dark, I was washing my hands after a middle of the night potty.  In the dark, I got confused with which soap bottle I needed.  My hands will not get any acne, thankfully.

18.  Recently, someone told me they hoped they were as cool as me when they grew up.  I felt very cool.  And then very old.  Now today I just feel kind of diarrhealike.

19.  Speaking of diarrhealike, my iPrecious has memorized the word "diarrheas" which apparently I type all the time.  I laughed so hard I snorted when I discovered this.

20.  Time to pack the kitchen.  Here's hoping there's room in my luggage for silverware and a cheese grater.

Happy Afternoon.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday is a royal pain

Man I love to sort and pack and move and junk.  Where's something else I can sort and pack and move?  Also, anyone seen a sharp object I can ram through my eyeball?

- Things the Queen would never say

Friday, June 18, 2010

Keyboard Confessions - The Last Day of Work Edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.

1.  Here at Legal Importanty Office it's my very last day of work.  Haha, actually, just the last day I'll get PAID to work.  Because this sister doesn't get a dime for washing underwears at home.  Unless I find a dime in the dirty clothes.  It's mine.  Mine, I say.  My Diet Cokes don't come cheap.

2.  I had an awful dream the other night that I had to drive through streets filled with powdered sugar.  Apparently, powdered sugar is really slippery.

3.  In that dream, I could only afford to feed my kids Top Ramen and I only was able to drink the broth.  I woke up from that dream thinking "Huh.  Well, not a bad idea."

4.  My coworker, you know, the one who tried to make us all fat with Sun Drop Cake?  Yeah, her.  She asked me the other day what I'd miss from Alabama. I got to thinking.  You know what I'll miss?  Humidity. 

5.  PSYCH. 

6.  My sweet coworkers gave me some going away gifts yesterday.  Guess what one of the gifts they gave me?

7.  Ohhhh yeahhhhhh.  Me and my Snuggie and my booklight will be doing some serious chillage.  Except, guess what?  We won't even have a couch when we move.  So it'll be me, my Snuggie and my booklight chilling on my camping chair doing some serious chillage.  You know you're jealous of my life.  I would be too.  I'll be sipping on some Top Ramen broth, too. 

8.  I'm getting my hairs cut.  The normal hairs.  The ones on the top of my noggin.  It's time.  Time, I say.  Because right now I feel like this:

9.  Except, guess what I do with my hairs everyday?  This:

10.  So what's the point, I ask you? 

11.  Fall of 2011, my Hubs and I have a date with IKEA.  Then, winter of 2011, my Hubs and I have a date with a marriage counselor because of all our fighting whilst putting together furniture from IKEA.  It's good to plan ahead, right? 

12.  Homeschool.  A chance to decide if I should make alcohol a part of my life. 

13.  PSYCH.  maybe.

14.  I'm thinking of making a whole bunch of homemade cinnamon rolls for my new neighbors.  Wouldn't it suck, though, if they're all healthy type folks with diabetes?  Maybe I should pass out fruit roll ups or Sorbees.  I need to think on this.

15.  All you non-healthy folks don't know what Sorbees are.  They're a sugar free candy company.  I hope their candy tastes better now than it did back in 1986.  *shudder*

16.  Beach Towel Snuggie.  For people who don't want to be seen in a bathing suit but still enjoy the beach. 
17.  GENIUS.

18.  12 more days until Eclipse. I've got my tickets in my bag.  Oh yes I do.  *cabbage patch*  Also, it might be the very last date I go on with my Hubs seeing as how we know not one soul where we're moving. I plan on splurging on popcorn AND Twizzlers.  This sister knows how to party, I tell you.

19.  I'm trying to clean out my cupboards and freezer before we move.  So at some point, I'll be serving a fine meal to my family consisting of salmon, canned pumpkin and a tin of sardines. 

20.  It kind of makes you happy I'll have Top Ramen to fall back on, huh?

Happy Weekend.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Neener Neener Boo Boo

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

I know you are but what am I?


I'm rubber, you're glue.
Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to your a$$.

Quit harshing on my blog with ugly comments about my family.

Play nice, this here's a retreat from my stressful world and when you drag your garbage in, especially as a cowardly Anonymous, I don't want anything to do with you.  Got it?  K.  *dusts off hands*



Monday, June 14, 2010

Monday is a royal pain

It's my last week of work!!  Partaaaaaaaay!
-Things the Queen would never say

Friday, June 11, 2010

Keybored Confessions - The Intentional Typo Edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly it's just an excuse to write a list. 

1.  I have exactly one week before I have my very last day of work.  I confess that I'm relieved/sad/scared we'll starve.

2.  I'm thinking of giving up Diet Coke.  I confess each time I cradle and make out with a can of Diet Coke, I croon "I'll never quit you".  Except I might be lying.  Because it's not good for me.

3.  This is just like the Reese's Cup Obsession of 2009.  It was tough and I went through withdrawls, but I did, in fact, quit them.  I confess that sometimes I dream of the silky smooth peanut buttery goodness.

4.  For the very first time, I was asked to guest post on my buddy Vanessa's blog.  It happened this past Monday.  Guess what I did?  If you guessed Keyboard Confessions, you deserve a Klondike Bar.  I confess I never eat Klondike Bars, although I cast them about in everyday conversations.  Also, if you read my guest post, beware.  I use the word "vaginal".  Aaaaand now the pornbots have found me.  Yay.

5.  Recently, a family member made this comment about my post on Monday about The Queen and boogers:
that's gross, but somehow appropriate for your blog.
6.  I laughed and laughed. And then felt kind of sad.  I confess I'm beginning to question the legacy I'm leaving my children. 

7.  Also, if I died today, what would be said in my eulogy?  "Well, she made some good booger jokes."  I confess, this makes me want to take stock of my life.  Maybe I need to throw in some that's what she said jokes, just to mix it up.  Also, my coworker was very surprised I was capable of making a TWSS joke.  Dude, it's not that hard.  That's what she said.  See? 

8.  I wonder if I'll ever be asked to guest post again?  Or interview.  I'm not picky.  Ask me a question, I'll lay it on you. 

9.  Words, that's what I'll lay on you, guttermind.  Or some lotion, because you're ashy.  It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again. 

10.  I confess that I read the book for Silence of the Lambs.  Because the movie just wasn't near scary enough. 

11.  Man I want some Diet Coke.  I ain't quittin you!  maybe.

12.  Ooh!  Guess what? In one month, I'll be sniffing the blue skies of Superior, Colorado!  I'm assuming the blue skies there smell of jasmine with undertones of sugar cookies.  Or really clean air.  One of those two.  Also, you wanna see my new digs?  Of course you do!

13.  You know what else is cool?  I think I get to meet in real life Tristan from The Transient Pod!  I know, she might have a shank or a switchblade or something skeery.  But I have some hand sanitizer so I'm ok.  Also, if she's really scary, I'll just sic my kids on her and they'll kill her with whining and fighting.  Or at least make her ears bleed.  I confess I feel protected by the magical power of bratty kids. 

14.  According to my youngest daughter, she loves me one bar more than my Hubs.  Whatever that means.  I'm betting it's good.  I confess I feel smug typing this. 

15.  I'm going to have to do it, folks.  Pack, that is.  Mostly this is because all our broken down boxes are stacked up next to my dresser keeping me from reaching my underwear drawer.  I confess I'm thinking of just buying new underwear.  I really hate packing.

16.  You know what else I hate?  Radio talk shows.  I confess I feel intellectually boring.  Also, I feel intellectually dumb as I had to look up on the googles how to spell intellectually.  Just kidding.  mostly.

17.  It'll take us a couple of days to drive our moving truck to Colorado.  This is our family vacation.  Guess which route we'll take?  KANSAS.  I know.  I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.  Also, any of you awesome readers from Kansas?  Anything fun and adventuresome in Kansas?  *crickets chirping*

18.  Apple iPhone 4g.  Yes please.  I confess this makes me feel covety.

19.  iPrecious will be sad.  I shall sit here and cradle and stroke my iPrecious and coo "I'll never quit you".  until i get an iPhone 4g.

20.  I'm feeling ashy.  I rub the lotion on my skin, and sign off until we meet again.

Happy Friday.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Happiness is...


This photo is of my sweet family at Christmas about...oh, idk, 5 or so years ago.

Now, sure I like it because we're all posed and smiling and no one is making bunny ears or squinting or has a wayward blink and my kids aren't fighting or crying or screaming they have to potty RIGHT NOW.  But what I really like about this pic it is that my Hubs worked his magicy fingers on the computer and made this pic pretty. 

Initially, my oldest child, Emma, was on my left, which made the pic out of balance.  So my Hubs cut her out and moved her to stand in front of him.  Then he colored in my boobs, because guess what?  I was totally wearing a white bra underneath that black sweater.  Guess how long it took me to realize this?  Yeah, you don't wanna know. 

This post brought to you in conjunction with Leigh vs. Laundry and The Happiness Project.


Monday, June 7, 2010

Monday is a royal pain

ACHOO!  Oh man, did you just see that booger fly out of my nose?
- Things the Queen would never say
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