Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out Thingy

Every Wednesday, my buddy and pal, Shell, hosts a blog thingy about pouring your heart out.  I normally go for drivel like boogers and craft talk.  However, due to a recent conversation with my Hubs, he inspired me to pour out anyways.  So here goes.

I want to smack the Proverbs 31 lady.

I know what you're thinking, because I'm like, 81% psychic.

Some of you are gasping, making signs of the cross and misspelling my name on your prayer list.  Pray away, good soul.  Pray.  Go ahead.  I dare you.

Some of you are mad. How dare I besmirch the good name of the P31 lady!  Move along to my blogroll for other readings if you can't handle the heat.

Some of you are scratching your armpit head in confusification.  "Proverbs 31 lady? Who the heck is that?" you ask.  Well, let me just clue you confusified folks in. 

See, there's this book, right?  It's called the Holy Bible.  Yeah,  it's a great book.  You should check it out.  I just lost some of you.  That's ok.  Moving on.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so, the Bible.  It has this book called Proverbs.  Almost smack in the middle.  It's full of great wisdomy things.  And the last chapter is this set of accolades for this imaginary woman, affectionately referred to as "The Proverbs 31 Woman".

And I hate her.

Well, I don't hate her hate her, just really really want to punch her hate her.  Much like my acne.

"Where is all this venom coming from?" you ask?  

It's because the P31 lady-she's perfect. 

And I'm not.  I'm sooooo not.

Last night, I flopped on the bed in a PMS rumpled bundle and stared moodily out the window.  My Hubs set down his book and peered inquiringly over at me.  "What's up?" he asked.  I shrugged with one shoulder.  Thankfully, my Hubs knows me enough to know that the one shoulder shrug is fraught with meaning.

Ever get down, folks?  Ever compare yourself to others and find yourself lacking?  Ever feel like the day was a study in failure?  Well I'm having one of those years weeks.  It could be the surge of  hormones interweaving their tentacles of acidic perception into every pore of my body.  Or it could be that I just really suck.

Back to the Proverbs 31 woman. 

So she's this great woman, right?  This is what the passage says, summed up: 

She's worth more than rubies, she doesn't do her husband any harm, she spins wool with eager hands, gets up at the buttcrack of dawn to make her family breakfast, she varies her cuisine meaning no boxed Mac & Cheese for her kids, she saves her spare change to purchase a stupid field and grow things on it, she's a nightowl as well as able to get up early and while she's up at night she's sewing and making crap to trade blah blah, she gives to the poor, she doesn't expect her husband to work at home because he's all busy in the town doing his man thing and willingly puts his socks in the hamper and takes out the trash, she's not afraid of the future and doesn't worry blah blah, she's not lazy and doesn't choose to watch LOST instead of reading with her kids blah blah....ARGGGG!! I JUST CAN'T STAND HER!!!

Deep cleansing breath.

Sorry.  Got a bit carried away there. 

You see, I'm never going to measure up to this lady.  This is my life:

*I'm always going to shop at Walmart.  Sometimes I'll use coupons, but sometimes they're expired or I forgot them at home.

*When LOST is on, I'm not going to want to read a book, play a game or dress a Barbie.  It's only on for this season and then I can go back to being at everyone's beck and call.

*I'm not a good cook.  I'm trying.  But some nights are going to be boring.  Some nights I'm just going to order in because I'm tired.

*I'm never going to be happy picking up everyone else's socks.  Whilst I work full time, I feel this is acceptable.

*Some days, I worry about our finances.  The future is ever changing and murky. 

*I sew, but sometimes it's crap.  Crap I can't sell.

*I can't grow plant life.  I can barely sustain life for my kids.  Although, so far, they are alive and healthy.  Miracles, they happen.

*I have no business sense.  Hence why no etsy shop yet.  I make and give.  I do not accrue monies. 

*I'm not a morning person.  Never have been.  Probably never will be.

*My elliptical is always going to go unused the majority of the time. 

*I only have so many hours in my day to get crap done and sometimes, I'm going to say to heck with it all and read a book instead. 

I'm never ever going to be this woman who gets it all done.  I'm never going to be a size (insert model size here).  I'm never going to be a famousy chef.  I'm never going to make it rich because I know how to weild a needle and thread.

I'm just me.  Flawed.  Ill-equipped.  Short-tempered and sometimes unkind.

So there it is, folks.  Me pouring my heart out.   

Anyone out there relate?



oh man. this one hit me RIGHT HERE. oprah was talking about some book she read that is helping her lose weight but it also deals with all sorts of stuff like how we don't think we're very good and we try to do silly things to fill the void like eating or shopping or what have you but it's really b/c we're separated from God or something to that affect. not saying you are, saying most days I don't give God much thought. I take him for granted. And I think I would feel less like this if I did not do that. that was an awful comment. my apologies.

w said...

you have your issues with the p31 lady. i have mine with eve.

and who cares if you take out food. at least there's food.

of course, that was eve's stance, too. apples are food.

Miss Fit said...

I could tell you that I look at that proverb like a very loose outline, one of which that we as women can take liberty with. So as to avoid comparing any other woman to her. Or that I don't think she actually exists or existed. If she did, I'm sure she had bad hair days, wore her pjs all day and had acne. Which one makes you feel awesome? If you were her and perfect like her, you wouldn't be you or the perfect Kearsie you are.

I say screw the proverbs 31 lady. Your an awesome possum.

Creative Junkie said...

Kearsie ... you are so not alone. Sigh. I'm so far from perfect, I can't even see it from here. I will NEVER measure up ... to anyone's standards, least of all my own.

But how boring would the world be if we were all perfect? If we all did everything right? If we were all the P31 lady?

What the hell would we blog about then?

Sara said...

I cannot stand her either. She is the type of woman I would totally roll my eyes at and call "Stepford" behind her back.

Except, I'm jealous of her.

Also, Proverbs is a book written by a man for his son. SO... if Steve wanted a better example of a P31, HE should have paid attention and chosen one. It's on him that I hate to throw out his socks.

Also, now I REALLY wish I was moving to the house in the middle of nowhere....

Beth said...

Oh My Goodness! I SO relate! But I must say I don't think that version of Proverbs 31 is on Bible Gateway! ROFL!

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

I get how you feel ... heck, I'm friends with a Goddess- she's sort of tough to keep up with too ;-) If ou stop by and read what I said today ou'll feel better knowing you are not alone- me too having a bad day with feeling overwhelemd and full of complaints!

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

I had to stop going to a mothers group at church because it made me feel like the devil incarnate.

I know Jesus is not proud of me right not.

Hell, *I* am not proud of me right now. But I am giving all I got.

Need a liver? I got ONE left.

Insanitykim said...

Nice pouring there girl.

See I asked you to make my son a hat because I cannot. And you're gonna get 10 bucks for doing an awesome job (really I'm like stealing from you) which I hope you spend on something frappy with whip, 'cause you deserve it.

Shell said...

None of us is like her. Those who say they are- are liars. I see it as something to aim for, but not really something that I will ever really be like.

I can't do it. I really can't.

Thanks for linking up!

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I ADORE YOU! Will you please move so that we can be neighbors? No one has EVER made me laugh out loud about the P31 Lady!!!!!!!!! You're the BEST.

MiMi said...

Oh. This is me.
But guess what? Even if you're not all of these things...JESUS LOVES YOU. Isn't that the BEST part? :)

My Mercurial Nature said...

I absolutely relate and this was a great post! Glad you decided to write it!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Is the proverbs 31 lady Martha Stewart? If so, smack away.

Carrie M. said...

I like your heart....pour away :)

I so relate.

and, your hubs put set down his book. and knows the one shoulder shrug is fraught with meaning. wow, impressed.

tristan said...

yes. i feel your pain. listen. i don't like her either. but for some reason she keeps lurking around...blah.

angie128 said...

Great post. I'm with ya'.

My kids have read the part that says "Her children rise and call her blessed."

Then they say "Hey Bless-ed, can we have some ice cream?"

Somehow I don't think that's what that verse means....

Anonymous said...

Oh Honey love, trust me, none of the moms at mom's group like Mrs. Prov 31. She's a superior snot. A little stuck-up. And trust me, she may make her brownies from scratch, but they ain't all that.

Seriously, though. Jesus loves us where we're at, not when we get where we should be. You are awesome. Does Prov 31 lady give the gift of laughter to womens everywhere? NO! Does Prov 31 Lady get creative with her Edward dolls? No. Those poor boys are still in the box so she can sell them on Ebay. Prov 31 lady has nothing on you, Kearsie.

Besides, Jenny didn't send candy, hairspray and glitter to Prov 31 Lady. That has to count for something, right?

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