Every week I sit down and confess some things. Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.
1. So we've loaded up most of our worldly goods into a horse trailer. My inlaws shall drive said trailer across approximately 47 states to our destination of the great state of the Coloradoes. I'm fairly certain this means they win My Inlaws Pwn Award.
2. Dust bunnies: what apparently has been mating underneath any and all furniture.
3. I read somewhere that if you ripped up your carpet, swept all the dust into a pile outside your house that the government would call that a toxic waste site. Guess what? I'm breathing it right now. Maybe I should try to get on disability.
4. Guess what? When you play approximately 72 episodes of Inspector Gadget for your kids, you begin to lose your mind. Could he be any dumber?
5. I found a ton of outdated food in my cupboard. Mostly it was random things like tuna, but still. I feel guilty for wasting. Also, I wonder what happens to old food once it ends up in a landfill? Sadly, I will think on this subject for years. I know. Perhaps it's time to pursue medicinal therapy.
6. I also found approximately 58 Barbies. All of them were plasticky nekkid. It was a bit of a freak show. Also, their hair? Ugh. Seriously, why bother, Mattel? Wait, is Mattel who puts out Barbies? I'm so tired, I can't bring myself to Google it.
7. Confession: I always spell it Goggle first.
8. Confession: when I hear the word Google, I think of that one line in Twilight where Edward snarkily tells Bella she can Google it.
9. Eclipse. I went. I saw. I ate Twizzlers. I thought it a great movie. However, I was so distracted by Bella's wig I almost couldn't bear it. Seriously. So.distracted.
10. If I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be all, "I am so bigger than M. Night Shamalan and Stephen King. I'm totes going to make a cameo in each movie. Get over it, homey." Also, apparently I think Stephenie Meyer talks like a thug. It could happen.
11. It shall be a strange weekend. All of our stuff will be loaded up and we won't have a thing to do. If you hear strange maniacal laughing from my corner of the universe, it's because I lost my mind. Or, I tickled my children to death. Or, I was watching a Literal Version video.
12. You don't know what a Literal Version video is? Seriously, we just might have to break up. Dude, head to the youtubes RIGHT.NOW. Search for Literal Version videos. Choose one. I prefer the Creed one. Pee pee nah nah blah. Yes I'm making you look it up, haven't I just explained I'm too tired to link junk up?
13. Also, I feel old school. Before life handed links out left and right. Like, 1989 Old School.
14. I love my Snuggie. Also, guess what? I have to fight my kids for it. Apparently, they love my Snuggie too. Also, you know what else loves it? Hair. It came out of the box bright pink. Today, after all three of us ladyfolk have passed it around, it's got a brown tinge. From hair, people. Also, maybe my hair loss isn't normal. Is this a clue that I'll be Rogaining it in the near future?
15. Confession: I'm pretty sure that me and my Bestie ruined watching Twilight because when Carlisle says to Bella "Enimel etteck", I die. Hahaahahahahaahah, oh man he slays me with that. You don't get it? Well, you're missing out, my friend. Also, my Bestie gets it. Don't you, Bestie? *high five*
16. Omg, it's happening. I'm losing my mind.
17. I was going to breathe all deeply and zenlike except my nose is all stuffed up.
18. My spice rack is so giant it won't fit in any of my boxes. So annoying. Idk why I told you that except every now and then it's nice to feed you snippets of Kearsie Trivia. Now you know, Kearsie has a giant rack. A spice rack, homey.
19. Today, whilst lolling on my dusty carpet, I balanced a football on one end. Because of this, I'm fairly certain I can do anything. Or, that the pile in our carpet is deeper than I thought. Either one is good.
20. The next time you hear from me, I'll have crossed into the mountainy area of Coloradoes, and will probably be sitting on a camping chair with my Snuggie.
About That Mom Who Isn’t There
4 days ago