Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cheese and wine. Minus the cheese.

My Hubs and I text often.  Usually it's something inane like BRING HOME FOOD.  Sometimes it's racy.  We like to keep the spice.  This last weekend was no different.  Except I was in a foul mood and my texts were nothing of the normal sort. 

I had just spent a really horrid day with my kids.  I was trapped in my home as all our cars are broken and was bereft of transportation.  Should I have had a working vehicle, I wouldn't've left the house anyways as our farm was rapidly becoming the setting of Noah's hood post-Ark construction.  That's flowery language for IT RAINED A WHOLE LOT.

Which means my children were practicing in How To Make Mommy Go Hoarse And Later Cry In The Kitchen With Her Face Buried In A Hand Towel.

So. 

My Hubs texted me to let me know he was leaving work and would be home shortly.

And I texted back BRING ALCOHOL.

I've said this before to him. Usually he brings me Diet Coke. Because he knows BRING ALCOHOL is usually code for MY DAY HAS SUCKED ROCKS BRING ME A PRIZE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 

Only this time, he took me seriously.

So it was with great surprise that I watched my Hubs trudge up the stairs to our abode laden with plastic shopping bags from Publix containing that night's menu.  And a large blue bottle.

Let me give you a brief aside:

See, we're not drinkers.  I've had the occassional sip of boozy drink over the years.  Once it was a "Quick, my parents aren't home, let's mix up a Screwdriver" in 9th grade, once this one random wine cooler from 10th grade whilst midnight-sledding, a sip of a Margharita last year...just little "let me taste it" moments.  But my Hubs has never drank anything stronger than orange juice after the expiration date.  We're both pretty square. Pretty conservative.  Pretty vanilla. 

We've often perused the Wine Aisle at Publix, inspecting the hooch, reading the foreign language of wine with confusification: CHABLAIS, BEAUJOLAIS, SOAVE, BORDEAUX...lots of words.  All we see is BLUE BOTTLE, GREENISH BOTTLE, FOIL COVERED BOTTLE, EXPENSIVE BOTTLE.  And then we'd slink off to the Frozen Food Aisle feeling ignorant and dorky. 

Until Saturday, when my Hubs braved the Booze Aisle, texted a friend who knows his wines and had a text-versation I suspect went something like this:

HUBS:  Dude.  I'm in the Booze Aisle.  IDK what the crap I'm doing.  What kind should we get?
HUBS' FRIEND:  Get a weird blue bottle.  It's goooood.
HUBS:  Thanks.

So.  It was with mixed emotions I watched him crack open the Weird Blue Bottle, pour the yellowy mixture into coffee cups, because sadly, we're fresh out of wine glasses, and carry the potent liquid to the couch. 

We sat and looked at each other and took a deep breath and said "Here goes!" and took a swig.

I wouldn't recommend swigging a strange brew, especially when you can barely read the words on the bottle and it smells like old juice.  Nevertheless, swig we did.  It was...gross.  I did not feel any sophisticationish vibes nor could my mouth ease from the pucker it immediately drew up from Taste One.  By Taste Seven, I was swallowing as fast as I could and trying to hold my tongue in suspension, so as to avoid taste or sensation of any sort. 

For 15 minutes, we nursed our coffee mug wine and would say to each other "do you feel any different?  I don't feel any different.  Am I drunk?  What does drunk feel like?  Is your throat burning?  Maybe this is like rubbing alcohol and we won't get sick this week, I definitely feel some germ burning.  This is gross.  I don't think I could ever like this.  Why do I feel guilty?  I'm 34 years old.  I'm allowed to drink wine.  How much was this? Ten dollars? Dang. We could've bought a cheesecake for that. "

I couldn't even finish mine.  I felt like such a failure.  And way more vanilla.  And really craving cheesecake.  Perhaps I wasted my teenaged years when I could've learned to appreciate gross drinks. 

I shall steer clear of all blue bottles with foreign words.  Unless Diet Coke makes something in a blue bottle. 

16 comments:

Jenny Bunny said...

Dude... Wine, to me is pretty nasty overall, though I've found one I enjoy....

You need to check out the Strawberry Daquiri wine coolers... It makes me feel slight low-rent and hootchie drinking them which always brightens my spirits. I have no shame.

Don't feel nerdy or like a failure. You aren't in the least!

Shell said...

LOL @ I could have had a cheesecake!

Insanitykim said...

Hahhahahah! Loved this. Adds so much to our IMs of making me feel like a drunken Yoda. Excellent post!

Jen said...

Wow, I could definitely identify with this. My husband and I feel like idiots when we're offered wine. I *want* to love it but I think it's terrible. People tell me to start with a dessert wine and work up to a [whatever], but I'd really just rather start with a dessert and leave it at that. :)

MamaTink said...

My husband and I do the texting thing all day too! Some of our worst fights were in text abbreviation, then we would meet at home and laugh about it. I also DESPISE wine. My husband keeps giving me sips to see if he could win me over, but blech, no thanks!

Beth said...

LOL @ this whole post! I'm totally with you on the whole "I'm not cool enough to drink" thing! I work at a college and sometimes the students sitting around talking about having fun getting plastered and I just don't get it!

Although once in a while a berry flavored frozen margarita or daquiri or a pina colada is a good thing! Just one though! :)

And if I had to pick ... I probably still choose cheesecake!

Creative Junkie said...

OMG, you sound like me. I mean, NOW. I did, however, consume copious amounts of alcohol in my younger days. In college, my diet was it was mac'n cheese and beer.

I've never gotten into wine. I never could figure out how people can get so snooty over something that tastes like rancid urine.

BTW - how weird is it that we both used the word "bereft" in our posts today? *cue twilight zone music*

Nicole Wilson said...

Wine and I do not mix. Not like the oil and water thing, mind you... just.. well, I don't like it much. However, a Twitter friend mailed me a bottle for my 30th birthday last summer. I drank almost the whole thing the night before my cruise. You should get some of that. LOL. It was like a carbonated koolaid. Seriously. So good. I'll find out what it was (again) and get some myself! Then we can compare the "after" feelings. ;)

Much More Than Mommy said...

Man, you would have been FUN to have at that wine tasting I went to! :-D I *loved* this!

MiMi said...

We never drink either. Once we thought we might be drunk, but we'd only each had a wine cooler, so we decided no.
I tell my hubs to bring me alcohol too! And it's totally code for "My day was bad I need a present!" also. We are related, I tell ya.

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Julie Rodgers said...

You said you tried the "yellowish" wine . . . He got the wrong kind. Try the red next time. Way better. :)

Stacey said...

Oh that is so stinkin' funny! We had a similar experience recently and did the whole sit on the couch and ask if the other felt different!! I'm laughing so hard right now!!

ElegantSnobbery said...

I love this story.

Also, you would hate to be me because a.) I was not born with the mental capacity to figure out texting and b.) I don't drive, so your stuck with the kids day described my day-to-day exactly.

purseblogger said...

That is hilarious!

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