Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly it's just an excuse to write a list.

1.  We have three cars in our possession.  Two of them are broken.  This leaves one car.  This also leaves me very stressed out.

2.  But, part of my stress is about to be relieved as I remembered to bring nail clippers to work with me. 

3.  Soon, I shall be able to write words like "about it" without writing "abou tit".  My nails super bad get in the way.

4.  Nails, in general, are just gross.  So is hair. They're just...rapidly growing skin cells.  That also happen to be dead.  It's like zombie body parts.  Gross.

5.  I think about weird things like this.  Also, you know how people break out?  What if we peeled off the top few layers of skin, would we see a whole bunch of zits all piled up?

6.  It's possible I read a little too much science fiction.

7.  Two words.  Felt food.  Much fun.  Easy peasy.  So that's actually like 6 words.

8.  We're trying this new thing at home.  It's called "Keep The House Clean All The Time". 

9.  It's also called "This Sucks".

10.  You know what doesn't suck?  Felt food.

11.  Are you confused?  Have no idea what felt food is?  Well, inquisitive reader, I shall remedy that for you.

12.  Felt Doritos.  *kisses fingertips*  My piece de resistance.  Also, a choking hazard for wee babes, which I forgot about whilst making them for my niece.  Alas. In about 3 years she can play with them. 

13.  Man I wished I liked coffee.  It smells soooo good.  But tastes soooo gross.  Like, I don't know, hickory smoked dirt. 

14.  I suppose I will stick to my early morning Diet Coke.  It's probably like motor oil for my belly.

15.  Speaking of motor oil, my husband valiently tried to fix our car last night and was covered with grease.  It was kind of rawr.

16.  But just on him.  If it was on me it would be kind of whimper/cry.  I don't like to be dirty.

17.  Two more words:  Netflix rocks the hizzouse.  That's like four words.  How come it took me like, 17 years to get on board with Netflix?

18.  I think I'm going to take Angie128's advice and bring a booster seat for my office chair. 

19.  That booster seat will make it all the more easier to watch The Dark Crystal during my lunch.  I wonder if I can pick up a Happy Meal? 

20.  If only I had a Snuggie.

Happy Friday, my friend.

Doo doo dooo doo doo doo dooo dooo

That's Twilight Zone music.  Yes it is. 

Ok.  I've got a problem. 

It's a small problem.  Sort of like a pimple.  But not really like a pimple because I can slap 50 layers of makeup on a pimple and voila it's not a problem anymore.

It's more like a boil.  You can't cover up a boil.

No, I don't have a boil.

My problem is this:

See, one day, the arm on my office chair just popped off.  I felt all powerful and destructive, like a female wrestler hopped up on endorphins and Twizzlers.  But it was irreparable.  So I went to my local Staples and bought me a fancy new chair. 

It took me ages to put it together.  But once done, it was a masterpiece of office equipment. My tush was nice and comfy.  I made sure I didn't use my super strength on the arms.  And try to roll gently.

But.

(Ironic, the word "but".)

But, at some point, either my butt has gotten larger and heavier or something in the chair is malfunctioning.  Because as I sit typing this, my chin is right above the desk and my arms are practically over my head to reach the keyboard.  I've fiddled and adjusted and yelled at and coaxed and pleaded and bribed and nothing I do keeps my chair from sinking about 8 inches. 

But see, it's tricky, this thing.  It's not like, dropping down suddenly like a ride at Disney. 

Nay, it's slowly sinking.  Just slow enough to make me forget I'm going to be 6 inches shorter in an hour.  Just slow enough to make me wonder if that Mini Snickers bar was laced with brick dust and if I should have used the elliptical machine this morning instead of hanging my wet towel on it.  Just slow enough to make me wonder if my arms being slowly pulled out of their sockets by my lengthening reaches and if I'll resemble a caveman by Friday.

Just slow enough to write this. 

This gives whole new meaning to low riding.

*Cough, gasp, eyes water*

I've only owned one dog in my life.  Just one.  We were more cat folks growing up.  But when I left my dorm of 45 women to live in a house with one man, I got a little freaked out.  So my Hubs took me to the Animal Shelter and we picked out a puppy. 

Buford was super sweet.  He was so tiny, calm and sweet.  And full of worms. Which caused the calmness and the sweetness.  Once dewormed he was like a dog who ate meth dog bones every five minutes. 

He liked to play with a Tigger puppet I had and if we said "Buford, get your toy!!" he would rush over to Tigger and place it on his muzzle and run around in his high-on-dog-meth way.  I know, so cute.

But you know what isn't cute?  Dog farts.  Yep, dog gas is pretty horrible.  With that I give you:

My thanks to Insanity Kim, who feels I'm worth the stench.  *choked up*  It could be because she carries Pocket Febreze.  Or has no sense of smell.  Either way, I am humbled and honored and yada yada yada. 

I freely bestow this highly honored award and pay homage to these fine people:

Insanity Kim:  ditto, my friend, *whispers* ditto.

WendiWinn:  because of her, I own the much talked about Febreze.

Speaking from the Crib:  because she's full of the awesome.

Jenny on the Spot:  because she uses colloquials and makes me pump my fist in the air in victory.

The Creative Junkie:  because she talked about boob sweat and I felt a kinship.


So take this award, my fine friends, and let us clasp hands in friendship despite the horrible, gaseous, eye watering, stench of the digestively challenged canines. 

Monday is a royal pain

*Tilting face from side to side whilst looking in mirror*
I think I have sideburns...

- Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things. Mostly it's just an excuse to write a list.

1. This morning I woke up to the dulcet tones of diarrhea. Is that ick-ay?

2. Insanity Kimmay says I should do this "funnay ay" stuff every week. I try to listen to her as she's pretty genius-ay.

3. Guess what? When you wake up at 4:30 in the morning with stomach cramps, don't attempt to get back to sleep. Inevitably, you'll fall asleep right before your alarm goes off. It's just a recipe to make you crank-ay.

4. I thought of calling in sick to work, but today's Pay Day. Money money money mon-ay.

5. Plus, then I'd have to face all our dirtay laund-ray.

6. Shout out to my friend, Kellie, be careful of the Canadians, ay?

7. Writing this way really makes me want to watch Strange Brew again. "Take off, you hoser". Funnay.

8. I told my Hubs all I want for Valentine's Day is this:

9. *crossing fingers and making a wish-ay*

10. Do you know what they are? Metal stampers. I know, I practically reek of romance. Sap-pay.

11. I think my Hubs was hoping I was asking for something more...feminine. Like a tedd-ay.

12. *gag at thought of teddie* too lac-ay.

13. My office ceiling leaks. This makes my work area very water-ay.

14. This does not help with the whole crank-ayness.

15. Also, that water standing in my bucket is nast-ay.

16. It curbs the hunger to look at it, so, there's my lining that's silver-ay.

17. I watched The Office last night. *cabbage patch-ay*

18. No, I don't know why I felt that an episode of The Office deserved a cabbage patch arm movement. But I like it. Step off-ay.

19. Just kidding, sweet reader. Let me amend that to say "Step off, please". Nice-lay.

20. Forget that stagnant water. I'm hungray.

Happy Fri-day.

My makeover

Oh how I love my iPhone. I call it iPrecious. Tis my lifeline. On the farm, it's my connection to the innernets. It's like my tiny, portable Computer, Scrabble Game, Facebook, Blog, Music, Words With Friends, Bank and Twitter. I love it. They say forgetting your cell phone is the new forgetting your purse. I could live without my purse, but not without my iPhone.

My Hubs is always finding new apps for our iPhones. Last night, he found one called Photo Makeover.

Step one: insert picture. Here's the pic I chose:

Just my normal pic.

Step two: align dots with corners of eyes and mouth

Step three: choose expression templates

Step four: adjust expression strength

Step five: laugh hysterically. At least, that's what I did.

Photo Makeover...where you can change anything on your face. Like, I wonder what I look like with a slimmer face?

I look almost manly. What about if I had bigger eyes?

Nice. But I wonder what I'd look like if my features were more proportioned?

Wowsers. Or what if I ditch the Diet and just let myself go?

Ick. I can be shy. Sometimes. So what would I look like more confident?

I'd look deranged is what. What about if I channelled my inner (insert sexy person here)?

Wow. I'm so sexy there I want to make a kissy face.

I'm so sexy with my kissy face I feel almost animalistic. Like, a monkey.

Hmm. Very Planet of the Apes. Let's go for something a bit nicer. Like a koala.

Niiiice. Or maybe I need to go more like a fox.

Skeery. What if I ran out of Febreze and smelled something nastay?

Ohh the possibilities are endless. I stayed up way too late last night, having fun with this gem of an app.

Now today I look really sleepy.

Happy Wednesday. *yawn*

Hi, my name is Kearsie and I'm an addict...

My addiction? Google.

Yes, Google. Lovely Google. Lovely, informative, easy to use Google.

I cannot live without it.

I use it every.single.day.

What's the capital of Peru? Not a clue. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Lima is the capital of Peru)

What's playing at 7:00 at my local theater? No idea. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakel is playing at 7:00)

What's the current rainfall of Dubai? Haven't the foggiest. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Less than .05 mm)

What does EPCOT stand for? Didn't know it stood for something. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow)

How do you spell broccolli? Geez I feel dumb. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Broccoli. Yes I looked this up, true story.)

Am I an addict? Possibly. Wait! I'll Google it.
(Only I can answer this question, apparently. At least, that's what Google said.)

So you see, it's just too easy to become an addict to Google. It's fast, it's easy, it's got lots of options. I don't like a link? No problem! I'll just find another. I don't spell something right? No problem! It asks me if what I really meant was dot dot dot. I don't speak English? No problem! It's worldwide. I don't have fingers to type with? Well, everything has its limits.

But since I don't like being an addict of something, I suppose I need help. Maybe the 12 Step Program.

...

What are the 12 Steps? I don't know. Wait! I'll Google it...

Monday is a royal pain

*sniff sniff* Is that Drakkar Noir? It reminds me of this boy I
dated once in high school...

-Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things. Mostly its just an excuse to write a list.

1. Today I'm feeling sassy. Not just sassy. More like sass-ay.

2. For breakfast today I ate a leftover taco. It was 70/30 yumm-ay/yuck-ay.

3. You question my choice, I know, but it was all I had and I was hungr-ay.

4. I got on the scale today and saw I lost a pound. Big whoop, you say. Well, Mr. Scoffer, or his second cousin twice removed Ms. Scoffer, just look at this and tell me it's a big whoop-

5. Also, I regret eating anything now. *retch* Also, coffee anyone? Feeling vomit-ay.

6. Hop over to my buddy and pal, Speaking From the Crib, where you'll see I've won the Zombie Chicken award...again! I am so luck-ay.

7. The radio is on and guess what just came on? If you guessed Party in the USA, you'd be right. Bonus-ay.

8. And then guess what I just pulled up on the youtubes? If you guessed the ASL version of this song, you'd also be right. Genius-ay.



9. Props to my Hubs for starting my car today for me. It was so cold it would've froze my boot-ay.

10. Plus, the heat melted the frost which then mixed with the bird poo on my windshield which were wiped by the wipers. That grammar sucks. Not so smart-ay.

11. Hubs doesn't read my blog anymore, so those props are just floating around in space somewhere. Float-ay. And space-ay.

12. Just burped. Really regretting the early morning taco. Sicknast-ay.

13. Did you know there is a Sparkly Edward doll? I must have this. For my collection. If you're judging me, shutt-ay.

14. There's also a Twilight Convention nearby at the end of the month. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my Hubs. Mistake-ay.

15. Not that I'd go, you know. Or maybe I'd, you know, just drive by. With all my Edward dolls. And his Snuggie. And scarf. And Team Edward tshirt with the puff paint. I'd stay like, 10 minutes. Tops. Pinkie swear-ay.

16. Or maybe I'd go and bring my camera and pose me and my Edward dolls with each and every person possible. More like the truth-ay.

17. ...I've just lost all respect, haven't I? Alas-ay.

18. Did you know there is a contest for the fastest texters in the world? There's even an article and pic. Bizarr-ay.

19. Guess what? I will never win this contest. Nay. I'm a slave to the English language and will always choose to spell out each.and.every.world. Anal-ay.

20. Bad choice for that last word. Sad-lay.

Happy Frid-ay.

Which reminds me of...

So, today, on my daily news scan I came across this video about NBC moving Conan's show:

Dude. It's like, 43 minutes long. No, this is not my attempt to have you sit on my blog for an hour. Or maybe it is and I've just blown my wickedly clever plan.

Anyways, poor Conan. Conan is my favorite. He's hysterically funny. Has wicked awesome hair. He's the best. I heart Conan. Where he goes, I will follow. Preferably to an earlier time slot because we folks who work in the morning so have to Hulu Conan to see him.

And so, watching this clip, it reminds me of...

Arsenio Hall.

Remember Arsenio? Cool guy with geometric hair? Early 90's decor? Need a reminder? I live to serve so...

This is his final show intro. Poor Arsenio. His ratings began to slip. In fact, I'm not real sure how popular his show was to begin with. In fact, there's lots of semi-popular things out there, things that deserve more air time.

And so, watching this clip, it reminds me of...

Homestarrunner.com. My favorite segment is the Teen Girl Squad. Awesome. This particular clip is about Valentine's Day. Which is right around the corner. We mostly ignore it in our house. But I did get the coolest gift ever from my Hubs one Valentine's Day many moons ago.

So, watching this clip, it reminds me of...

Pork rinds. Confused?

See, one day whilst visiting his parents, I went to take a shower. It was Valentine's Day. I got out of the shower and got dressed. When I opened the door, on the floor was a line of a pork rind and one of these...

Yes. A Hershey Kiss. I followed the line of pork rinds and Hershey Kisses, all leading to my room. At the end of the line, there sat a crystal dish full of the same with a sign that read HOGS AND KISSES.

Yes, the romance. It's choking you right now, isn't it? The fragrance of love wafting to your nostrils like the smell of a new bag of pork rinds just opened.

It's awesome. My most favoritist Valentine's Day gift ever.

And so if you, dear reader, need a quick Valentine's Day gift, think of pork rinds and kisses. It's a good one. Unless you're dieting. Or don't eat pork.

Which reminds me, we really need to buy some bacon.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

I rush to the stage, waving my Miss America wave as I go, tripping on the dangly sequin thingies hanging from my gown.

I clamber to the stage, grinning for the world to see my pearly whites, along with my freshly trimmed nostril hairs, and my chronic bad hair whipped into submission.

I grab the Zombie Chicken award from Insanity Kim and quickly turn to the microphone.

"Thank you!" I cry. The audience cringes as feedback squeals manically.

"This is such a surprise! Hold on, I have notes..." I fumble my Zombie Chicken award whilst hunting for my folded up napkin that is tucked close to my armpit in my dress. Hey, it's not like I had pockets in this fancy thing. At least I wore deodorant.

I unfold my notes and see that the sweat from the armpit region has completely obliterated all my notes, except for the word FEBREZE. Alas, I shall just have to wing it.

"Umm. So, this Zombie Chicken award is super special because it means that someone thinks I am worth braving an army of zombie chickens pecking away at them with danger of disease and death at every corner just to read my blog!" I wipe a tear.

"So I'd like to thank my Hubs and kids, for their inspiration, and to my blog buddies, for their comments and blogs full of funny, for my chronic bad hair, including my nostril hair, which often plagues me *chokes back sob*, for The Queen, and what she's done for my Mondays, *I wipe my nose*, for my Edward Doll *I fan my face with my gloved hand* and for all his Adventures *I put my face in my hand and wail, some kind soul ushers me off the stage as a smatter of applause ripples across the audience, producers cue the commercial to Febreze*

It could happen.

So, thank you, Insanity Kim, for my awesome award!

Now, I bestow this award on those bloggers out there which I would brave an army of diseased and deadly Zombie Chickens just to read their funny.

*Much More Than Mommy, who started this mission with me

*Jenny On The Spot, who wears black nail polish and who I admire greatly

*Speaking From The Crib, who has already received this award because she's awesome

*For Love or Funny, because she is so very, you guessed it, funny

and

*Wendiwinn, even though she's too cool to accept awards

So, thank you and high fives all around!

Monday is a royal pain

That's what she said.

-Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things. Mostly its just an excuse to write a list.

1. After 12 days, I finally took down my tree. Inevitably, upon stuffing said tree in the box wherein it hibernates for 11 months, I always find one lone ornament out on it's own. It's like a runaway ornament. It could be an After School Special.

2. Recently, I found an ornament in my daughter's bed. She doesn't know why she took it to bed, she just knows it's her favorite.

3. We finally broke down and bought it. What's "it", you ask? It's an elliptical machine.

4. Guess what? My body does not enjoy exercise. In fact, for the 2 minutes and 13 seconds I managed to work out last night, the entire time my brain was telling my body STOP THIS, THIS HURTS, WE DO NOT LIKE THIS BEHAVIOR, IF YOU DON'T STOP WE WILL SO PUNISH YOU.

5. And then I sat on the couch and proceeded to feel like having a stroke. And gasped and heaved and wheezed and updated my Facebook status. Because I have priorities, you know.

6. Also, I wonder when my brain began speaking in the royal "we"?

7. Last night there was some big time game on TV. I could care less about sports. That's no secret. What gets me is when people take it personally when their team does bad. It's like the team got together in the locker room and said "Let's all do our worst, hey you, yeah you- you fumble the ball, and you-yeah you over there, you go out of bounds at key moments in the game, let's make these people sitting on their couches cuss and fume, ok? Let's go! BREAK!"

8. Then the next day folks who have nothing to do with the team except maybe own a Tshirt with their team name on it go around saying things like "we really need to rethink our offense". Exqueeze me? "We?" I'm sorry. Do you really think you have a vital opinion that will change things and win the game? Pur-lease.

9. Yet, I kept quiet, even sat through the ridiculous press conference afterwards, watching some poor sap who looked tired and grass stained have to answer ridiculous questions by some ridiculous reporter. *head shaking* I just don't get it.

10. Also, it's possible my Hubs wouldn't let me buy a winter coat that was red and white because it might look like I supported the wrong team. Thankfully, no team out there is lime green and white.

11. Or if there is a lime green and white, I just might support them for choosing some awesome colors. I'll bet their mascot is a bowl of lime sherbet or a coconut with a slice of lime. They would have one solid supporter in me.

12. Ooh, and their school song would be "Put a lime in the coconut and drink it all up".

13. Except, I'll bet drinking coconut milk with a splash of lime is disgusting.

14. I would have to speak out about that and say "we really need to rethink our song".

15. Hmm, maybe I get it now.

16. I wonder who else out there has an Edward doll? Maybe I should hold a photo contest? Whaddya think? Best pic gets a prize?

17. I do have this extra New Moon game just sitting around...

18. I also have an extra set of bed sheets. I don't think that'd make a good prize though. They are, after all, only 200 thread count.

19. Now that it's the coldest time of the year and I have Christmas money, all the stores have out their spring line. Tank tops, when it's 14 degrees outside. Yep, makes sense to me.

20. We really need to rethink our clothing sales.

Happy Friday.

Monday is a royal pain

Oh man, I think I have an ingrown toenail.

- Things the Queen would never say