2009 in Review, or my attempt to garner blog readers

The following are my Top Twelve Posts from the year 2009.

January- I am in deep smit (where I share the love of my flat-iron)

February- Famousosity, sort of (where I find out I am in www.humorpress.com as a semi-finalist for this post)

March- Confessions, now made public (where I post my first Keyboard Confessions)

April- A glimpse into my life as my children's chauffeur (where we discuss bras)

May- What my children hear when I talk (which also was a semi-finalist at www.humorpress.com)

June - The Story of Us (where I have the sap)

July- Adventures with Edward: Edward meets Bella (my favorite Edward post)

August- Keyboard Confessions (Because this one makes me laugh still)

September- I got a pain (Because I still have a pain)

October- My latest dream (Involving nostril hair)

November- What my children ask while watching Lord of the Rings (Self explanatory)

December- The Accidental Cougarist (Where being nice to your waiter pays off)

And there it is. My pics of my top 12 blog posts. Which I'm sure you're just going to get right to reading.

Happy New Year!

Keyboard Confessions

Every week, I sit down and confess some things. Mostly it's just an excuse to write a list.

1. This week could be described as this: Mucus, the plague of my face.

2. It occurs to me that mucus is like boogers on a liquid diet.

3. I had you at "mucus", didn't I? Also, my mother is gagging. Sorry, Mom.

4. My youngest daughter was supposed to be at work with me today. My mother in law took pity on me and kept both of my kids.

5. My mother in law deserves a Klondike Bar.

6. My kids deserve a nap.

7. I made it through Christmas without receiving a Snuggie.

8. This shall be my first purchase post Christmas.

9. Have you seen Avatar yet? You need to. In 3D. It's a must.

10. It's time for me to trim my nails. When I draw blood when I scratch an itch, it's definitely time to trim my nails.

11. I just got a haircut. I said "Just a trim, maybe thin it out a bit". What she heard was "Please make me look horrible for the next few months, kthanx".

12. I should never have added "You're the professional and I trust your judgment."

13. Live and learn. And also, carry a hair clip and/or rubber band at all times.

14. It's time to think about weight loss. Remember last year? When I blogged about Incentives and posted this pic?

Yeaaahhh. Sadly, we look nothing like this.

15. However, I'm very sure there are ab muscles beneath the muffin top. Somewhere.

16. It might take another year to find them, though.

17. I'm pretty sure my Hubs could just do with a spray tan and be fine.

18. My life is pretty much like this commercial:

19. I was reminded of this past post. So far, my brainwashing hasn't helped one.little.bit.

20. Today is the last day of one of my coworkers. She is the only Twilight Sympathizer in the office. I shall be alone. Except for Edward.

21. Speaking of Edward, he got a little sumpin for Christmas from my kids:

22. I watched Sherlock Holmes the other night on a date with the Hubs. Watching that movie made me realize if I ever go to England I'm going to have to turn to my Hubs 57 times a day and ask "What did he just say?" Because I couldn't understand a durn word.

23. I know this because even here in the South amidst Alabamians I have to ask the same thing.

24. I'm pretty sure they all think I'm partially deaf.

Happy Wednesday.

The Week After Christmas, also known as What Do I Do With My Children

Christmas. It's over. My tree is still up, as are my handmade stockings and a conglomeration of penguin decorations, my choice of porcelain decor.

I could really care less about that.

There are piles of Christmas carnage still lurking about the living room. Tissue paper and small pieces of Scotch Tape threaten to adhere themselves to you as you trespass on their carpeted territory. Giant trash bags full to the brim of cardboard boxes and crinkly bags block the path.

I could really care less about that.

There are quaking towers of gifts. Board games to be shoved into a closet. Clothes that need to be washed and wadded up into respective drawers. Edward's new shirt placed haphazardly with his Snuggie and scarf, which teeter precariously near the Black Hole Of Kearsie's Craft Corner Wherein There Is No Rhyme Or Reason.

But I could really care less about that.

Nay.

The week after Christmas is dedicated to One Thing. I call it "What Do I Do With My Kids For A Week And Why Must School Be Out For The Love Of God Almighty Help Me".

What to do with your kids whilst you work full time? And so does your Hubs? And your in laws are entertaining the other grand kids all week and will most likely agree to watch them but you know in your heart of hearts they are thinking, "Really? After being with your children 24/7 the last week? Are you for real?" At least, it feels like that when I get the guts to broach the subject.

So, I struck a deal. One child will stay with the in laws while one child goes to work with me. And then we switch kids. It seemed a genius plan standing in my mother in law's kitchen. However, reality is often genius turned stupid.

So today, my oldest child, Emma, is here at work. She brought her Bag o' Distraction with her, which contains her newest stuffed animals that "need to be scratched" every few minutes, a book, and the accoutrements to her new iPod Nano.

Thus far, she has shoved her new stuffed wolf into my face with various bits of verbal interruptions:

*Momma, isn't she cute??
*Momma, she wants you to scratch her belly.
*Momma, can I get two more of these so I can have a Momma, Daddy and Baby?? Will you buy them? Why not??
*Momma, isn't she cute??

Her book I cannot persuade her to quietly read. It is "boring" and "might give her a paper cut".

Her iPod is already out of battery as she has videoed the entire office, one bit a close up of my face I plan on deleting when she's out of the room. Because, hello, it's not the best take of me. And before you go all critical on me, her iPod has so far taken about 19 videos of me from the weekend. I think I am recorded enough. Until 2012. Or when I Lose The Weight. Then, I'll renegotiate my time table.

Currently, she is banging her rolling chair into mine for the 15th time in 2 minutes. Which really, isn't her fault as it's hardwood floors in an old building that tend to slope a tad. And it's SO MUCH FUN to roll. I just happen to be in the way.

She has also told me at least 37 times how hungry she is. I relented on the "No Candy Before Lunch" rule about 2 hours ago and had to endure the chomping and sucking sounds coming noisily behind me. I also had a brief moment of insanity and when she said "Momma, open your mouth" I actually did, indeed, open my mouth as I typed something legalish and importantish and proceeded to pucker my mouth in revolt as the sour flavor of whatever candy the Receptionist gave her hit my tongue. I might not recover.

And just think, I only have 5 more hours to go.

Done.

Yes, folks, I'm done. I'm done with the shopping, I'm done with the wrapping, I'm done with the Christmas parties for my kids, I'm done with the baking. I'm done. Bring on the Christmas movies and blankets with my feet propped up on my new ottoman.

Today my coworkers and I exchanged gifts and guess what? I'm the proud owner of TWO New Moon games. Shut up, these are cool. Except guess what? I have no one to play it with. Alas. If my Bestie lived nearby we'd be so playing this TONIGHT.

Maybe Edward and Bella Doll will play with me. By the way, Edward had another adventure. He wishes you a very Merry Christmas.

May your Wednesday be a good one!

Monday is a royal pain

Believe it or not, I'm walkin on air, I never thought I could feel this freeee...dang it! Help me get this song out of my head!!

- Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1. It is official. I have hit rock bottom. When all you can think of is toilet seats, you have officially hit rock bottom.


2. And Edward dolls. The combination of the two of those things spells rock bottom.


3. I am, right now, sitting on uncomfortable wooden bleachers at my girls' Christmas parties.


4. Through the miracle of innernets and planned publishing I can be two places at once.


5. I have decided all I want for Christmas is a nap.


6. And to magically lose all the added pounds I've gained since Thanksgiving.


7. I wear rubber gloves when I do dishes now. Rubber gloves are a miracle.


8. Except when water drips down into the rubber gloves whilst doing dishes. Then rubber gloves are disgusting.


9. I love my new ottoman. I hope I get a Snuggie to go with my ottoman.


10. I bet ya'll are wondering what I'm doing right now at the Christmas party.

11. I'll bet you $10.00 I'm thanking God I am not a teacher.

12. I love my children. I'm just not that keen on other people's hyperactive-jacked-up-on-Red-Color-9 children.

13. Today I go to the dentist. Remember the last time I went? Fun times.

14. Also, I've decided if I have bad breath, I have bad breath. There's only so much bad breath eradication I can do.

15. Also I will probably not be able to look at him in the eye for awhile. Did I mention I go to church with him? And sit in his home once a week? Nay, I failed to mention that.

16. Thank the Lord I do not ever see my OB/GYN doctor out and about.

17. Did you know hummus causes gas? Yeah, me neither. Until I ate a whole container.

18. I baked cookies for this party that is tonight. But to you was last night. I super hope they didn't suck. They will be/are the only dessert on the menu.

19. Even more reason to not make eye contact with anyone.

20. Also, I just said hummus caused me gas. I'm betting no one makes eye contact with me.

Happy Friday!!

Open Letter to Toilet Seat Designers

Dear Toilet Seat Makers/Designers/Engineers,

Hi, my name is Kearsie and I have a problem. See, we just got a new toilet at work, and it's the most uncomfortable seat you could ever imagine. And I have to ask you- what's the deal? Have you never sat on a toilet seat before? Why on earth would you design/engineer/create such an uncomfortable seat?

Perhaps I've missed my calling. See, I've sat on a lot of toilet seats in my day. Heck, one might even call me a connoisseur of toilet seats. I know my toilet seats. Perhaps I should be a toilet seat designer.

I did some research here on my innernets. This is to show you I'm super serious about my complaint. Here's what I found:

You've got your standard basic toilet seat:

See? Basic. Plain Jane. But simple and functional.

Then you've got your wooden seats:

I'm not sure who came up with this little gem, as it is also mildly uncomfortable and your skin sticks to it.

Then you start going downhill:

The Padded Toilet Seat. Often decorative. Still gross. Also, there is nothing worse then your skin sticking to these in the heat of summer. Even worse is that awful hiss of the toilet seat decompressing when you sit on it. Come on, people.

Then there are the novelty types:

Tell me, please, who...WHO would buy and use this? Is it the same people who would buy and use this?

Or this:

...ok, I admit those lights are kind of cool.

Still, we haven't even touched on the worst kind. What is the worst? You know the worst...it's the industrial toilet seat. Prepare yourself for the horror:

It's awful. It's unfinished. And guess what? When you're sitting there trying to finish business, that little gap is pure torture! Parts of your legs might fall through and...*gag* touch gross things! For the love of all things holy, man, why would you create such a monstrosity!!

Grossed out and uncomfortable bathroom patron,

Kearsie

My glutes are still recovering from Friday

What happened Friday?



Homecoming.



Yes, Homecoming.



It wasn't the dolling up of the daughter who was a Homecoming attendant that was so difficult.



It wasn't the driving at breakneck speeds to be there on time.



It wasn't even the pressure to take good pictures for family members who would most certainly ask for a photo.



It was sitting on the wooden bleachers.



*painful stretch*



I discovered after about 20 minutes of sitting that bleachers were most likely made for:



*Gumby or other very bendy people

*Small folks who do not require much room

*Children who are naturally wiggly and at home in confined spaces

*People on crack



They were not made for people who:



*Have legs

*Might be just a tad overweight

*Don't enjoy sitting with knees and elbows and shouting, cheering, jostling crowds around them

*Are me



And I had to sit through 2 basketball games sitting on those torturous wooden bleachers. And there was much cheering and shouting and jostling. And knees and elbows.




But, it was all worth it when I saw my oldest child on the arm of My Hubs, looking all Christmas Princessy with her rose.

Isn't she lovely? Rhetorical question, requires no response but "Yes, she is a vision of beauty".

Two hours of painful bleacher sitting = worth it.

Leaking, our holiday tradition

I am a leaker.

This is not a fancy way for saying I have a gas problem.

This is also not a fancy way of saying I can't keep secrets. Tell me you're pregnant and I'll never utter a word. Tell me you're throwing a surprise party for someone and I'll keep it all to myself. Tell me you met Robert Pattinson and he asked for your phone number and I'll probably hate your guts and be so filled with envy I can't look you in the eyeball for a year, but I'll keep your secret.

What I mean is that I am a leaker of what gift I got for you. I am just so excited for this thing I think you will love, and I have to tell you. Or really strongly hint.

Like when The Hubs and I had our first Christmas, I went out and bought a really nice watch. Then I came home an hour later and gave it to him. No matter that Christmas was like, 3 weeks away, I just wanted to give it to him RIGHT THEN.

Mostly now I try the casual question approach: "what do you think about Eddie Bauer blue jeans/Bible commentaries/fishing lures/the movie Saving Private Ryan, etc.?"

And he's totally onto me.

My kids do it too. Because that's what kids do. One year, we got Daddy some of those awesome temperpedic slippers and when we came home my youngest said "I won't tell you what we got for you, Daddy, it's not slippers." Well, they learned it from me, what can I say?

But this year, I've kept it all in. Mostly because The Hubs was standing right there when I purchased his gifts, but whatever. Small victories. I kept it all in.

However, this year The Hubs was the leaker.

See, all I wanted for Christmas this year was yarn. But then I changed that to some books. But then I changed that to a storage ottoman.

I live in a tee tiny apartment. It's tiny. You can kind of see it here. And there is always junk around. Mostly my junk, and mostly craft junk. So I thunk to myself one day, man if I had a storage ottoman I could hide my junk and have a nice decorative thing to place my feet on at night whilst watching The Office reruns.

So after I thunk to myself all that, I told The Hubs, "Dude, I really want a storage ottoman." And he was all "Ok. I really want an HDTV." And I was all "You're smoking crack. But you're cute." And he was all "I'm really hungry." And I was all "Then go eat something." And then it turned into a whole different conversation. That's how we roll in our house.

So when I came home yesterday and saw The Hubs and my two girls all peeking out of the bedroom door with cheeseball grins, I knew they had gone Shopping for Mommy. And it wasn't two hours later before The Hubs finally caved and busted into his hiding place to bring out my Christmas gift. Which was, you guessed it, a storage ottoman!!

It's so purty. Want to see? Of course you do.

I told you, purty. And we can use it as a coffee table thingy too.

And there's plenty of room for my crafty junk.

Or a small child.

Just kidding.

So, Merry Christmas to me. And My Hubs. Who no longer has to put his long and lanky legs all over mine on our tiny loveseat.

Monday is a royal pain

Ooooh, shouldn't have had those last three chicken wings...

- Things the Queen would never say

Keyboard Confessions

1. It's weird doing my confessions here on the new blog.



2. It's like I'm throwing my first dinner party in my new house and I still can't find the table linens.



3. Guess what? In real life I don't own any table linens. I am ok with this.



4. For my birthday/Christmas, my mom and Gma gave me the New Moon Edward doll, a pack of toothpicks, some dental floss, a tiny crochet hook and some crochet thread. I love that I'm in a family of enablers.



5. Tonight, my 2nd grade daughter will be a Homecoming Princessy person. So proud...*wipes tear*



6. I think I can finally relate to those crazy moms with daughters in beauty pageants.



7. Guess what? One more Christmas gift to buy and I'll.be.done. But don't be too jealous, then I have to finish some knitting. And felting. And then wrapping. And then some baking. Yeah, you're not jealous now, are you?



8. Ever heard of geocaching? It's so much fun. Except guess what? It's not so much fun when it's 20 degrees outside.



9. I super hope I get a Snuggie this year for Christmas. I might even do some geocaching in my Snuggie if I get one.



10. I am about 3 songs away from being Christmas songed out. Also, I'm fairly certain that the DJs who play non-stop Christmas music self medicate. If you know I mean.



11. I have vampire teeth. Or werewolf teeth. Or some kind of monster teeth. Like, my canine teeth are super duper long. Except guess what? I don't like to eat meat much. It's a big waste, I tell you.



12. My Bestie sent me her Edward doll. That is friendship and trust, I tell you.



13. And another Edward doll is on a trip. That is scary, I tell you. What if he gets lost?



14. For that reason, I kept the scarf at home. Because, dude, I'm not knitting with toothpicks for three hours again. Maybe.



15. I lent out all my Twilight books. It was to keep me from sinking into it's vampirey depths again and living in a Coma, but now I miss them.



16. Only my Bestie understands this. That's why she's my Bestie.



17. Remember when I said I was going to not cut my hair for a year? Yeah, I was lying. I'm going to whack it off as soon as humanly possible. Because it is on.my.very.last.nerve.



18. Also, you cannot be cosmetically challenged and grow out hair whilst living/working/shopping, etc. in public. Nay, it's not a good idea.



19. You know Pavlov's dog? How he ate when he heard a bell? Well, I'm fairly certain that as soon as my ears hear Christmas music and those sleigh bells ringing it works like hearing a bell and I immediately start putting on weight. This could be a case study. I could get rich and famousy by doing this case study.



20. Until then, I think I'll snack on these sugar cookies and attempt to fix my hair.



Happy Friday, folks.

My new place is so niiiice

So, you found me. It wasn't that hard was it? Did I give good enough directions? Did you get lost by the Krispy Kreme and the 7-11? Yeah, that's a tricky turn.

I moved, obvi.

Why did I move? Well, just look around! I have an awesome corkboard! And post it notes! And ginormous push pins! And cool buttons you can take and post on your very own blog. All thanks to my extremely talented and smarty pants buddies. So, high fives to Winn and Kim. Sorry for all the tomato stains on your hands.

And, even better-- Edward has his own place. He likes it. It's all dark and mysterious over there.

So, from now on, I'll be here. But you can still find all my awesome drivel over here.

Please visit often, because it's awfully barren over here and it kind of echoes...