1. It is official. I have hit rock bottom. When all you can think of is toilet seats, you have officially hit rock bottom.
2. And Edward dolls. The combination of the two of those things spells rock bottom.
3. I am, right now, sitting on uncomfortable wooden bleachers at my girls' Christmas parties.
4. Through the miracle of innernets and planned publishing I can be two places at once.
5. I have decided all I want for Christmas is a nap.
6. And to magically lose all the added pounds I've gained since Thanksgiving.
7. I wear rubber gloves when I do dishes now. Rubber gloves are a miracle.
8. Except when water drips down into the rubber gloves whilst doing dishes. Then rubber gloves are disgusting.
9. I love my new ottoman. I hope I get a Snuggie to go with my ottoman.
10. I bet ya'll are wondering what I'm doing right now at the Christmas party.
11. I'll bet you $10.00 I'm thanking God I am not a teacher.
12. I love my children. I'm just not that keen on other people's hyperactive-jacked-up-on-Red-Color-9 children.
13. Today I go to the dentist. Remember the last time I went? Fun times.
14. Also, I've decided if I have bad breath, I have bad breath. There's only so much bad breath eradication I can do.
15. Also I will probably not be able to look at him in the eye for awhile. Did I mention I go to church with him? And sit in his home once a week? Nay, I failed to mention that.
16. Thank the Lord I do not ever see my OB/GYN doctor out and about.
17. Did you know hummus causes gas? Yeah, me neither. Until I ate a whole container.
18. I baked cookies for this party that is tonight. But to you was last night. I super hope they didn't suck. They will be/are the only dessert on the menu.
19. Even more reason to not make eye contact with anyone.
20. Also, I just said hummus caused me gas. I'm betting no one makes eye contact with me.
To My Friends Who Try to Sell Me Things on Facebook
19 hours ago