Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Open Letter to Toilet Seat Designers

Dear Toilet Seat Makers/Designers/Engineers,

Hi, my name is Kearsie and I have a problem. See, we just got a new toilet at work, and it's the most uncomfortable seat you could ever imagine. And I have to ask you- what's the deal? Have you never sat on a toilet seat before? Why on earth would you design/engineer/create such an uncomfortable seat?

Perhaps I've missed my calling. See, I've sat on a lot of toilet seats in my day. Heck, one might even call me a connoisseur of toilet seats. I know my toilet seats. Perhaps I should be a toilet seat designer.

I did some research here on my innernets. This is to show you I'm super serious about my complaint. Here's what I found:

You've got your standard basic toilet seat:

See? Basic. Plain Jane. But simple and functional.

Then you've got your wooden seats:

I'm not sure who came up with this little gem, as it is also mildly uncomfortable and your skin sticks to it.

Then you start going downhill:

The Padded Toilet Seat. Often decorative. Still gross. Also, there is nothing worse then your skin sticking to these in the heat of summer. Even worse is that awful hiss of the toilet seat decompressing when you sit on it. Come on, people.

Then there are the novelty types:

Tell me, please, who...WHO would buy and use this? Is it the same people who would buy and use this?

Or this:

...ok, I admit those lights are kind of cool.

Still, we haven't even touched on the worst kind. What is the worst? You know the worst...it's the industrial toilet seat. Prepare yourself for the horror:

It's awful. It's unfinished. And guess what? When you're sitting there trying to finish business, that little gap is pure torture! Parts of your legs might fall through and...*gag* touch gross things! For the love of all things holy, man, why would you create such a monstrosity!!

Grossed out and uncomfortable bathroom patron,



Jenny said...

Again, I'm snorting outloud at work reading your blog. Some day you are going to get me fired.

w said...

dude. how long do you sit on the toilet?

ScoMan said...

I'll just stick with regular thank you.

Insanitykim said...

You know what I loooooove? Public toilet seats that are HEATED, oh yeah man...a restaurant in Alaska? Oh yes, it has heated seats...do you know how terrible that is when you are having a cheese-induced gastric explosion? I do.

soundsliketomatoes said...

Oh man, that is just throwing more logs on the fire.

Yes that was a pun. Or euphamism. Or something.

The Retired One said...

I totally get you, Sista!
Although now you got me craving that light up one..seriously..whose arse wouldn't look SOOOO much better under (or should I say: on top of) those glow lights?

Jaime said...

When I went to Nicaragua, yes I know it's another country, but still...our toilet there was a piece of wood with a hole in the middle and you could hear your pee fall for miles. And it was in a little box and you had to squat almost to the ground to sit on it (or to try to squat above it b/c you KNOW you don't want to sit ON it!) Anyway...I totally understand the nastiness of the one with the cut out in the front, but that looks like a true "throne" compared to what we used there!!! hahaha

RecoveryBabe said...

First. Ditto Jenny.
Second. Glad I found your new place.
Third. You forgot to mention vintage toilet seats... Really, you know the ones... made for anorexic housewives. That's the toilet seat we have at work. My butt swallows that thing whole. Sad really.

Kearsie said...

Hello RecoveryBabe! Nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by. Please pull up a seat and enjoy the show. And by show I mean, it's kind of boring, kind of like watching a Bob Ross "Joy of Painting" show.

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