Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Gluttony, thy name is Kearsie

I love cake.

Nay, that is not strong enough. Let me amend. I ADORE WITH THE ADORATION OF A THOUSAND AND ONE SUNS cake.

I love the smell of cake.

I love the swirls and piles of frosting on top of cake.

I love pictures and blogs and bakeries full of cake.

And mostly, I love to eat cake. I want to make out with it.

Nom nom nom.

This might be how crack addicts feel about their pipe. How alcoholics feel about their Jim Beam. How coffee addicts feel when the drive by a Starbucks.

I.love.cake.

But cake, sadly, does not love me back. It's like a really bad boyfriend. It smells really good (Drakkar Noir flashback). It looks really good on the outside, but is way damaging on the inside. Full of gunk. Full of junk. It expands the trunk.

Ok, that last bit is reaching.

So.

It's February. Two members of our household have birthdays in February. You know what that means?

Cake.

Lots of cake.

Lots of lovely cake.

Lots of gorgeous, smelly good cake.

Lots of tasty, fatty, caloric, guilt-ridden cake.

This last weekend I ate nine pieces of cake.

This last weekend I ate a few too many pieces of cake.

I can practically hear my skin expanding as new pockets of cellulite multiply on my thighs. My stomach is like communal living to fat deposits. My face is developing that lovely cherub-like pudgy cheek thing. My ellipitcal scoffs when I walk by and mutters "just keep on going, fatty, I can't help you". My poor clothing groans when I open the drawer. All because of cake.

I know what you're thinking, because I'm 75% psychic. You're thinking "well just say no! Crack is whack!" and whilst you would be ever so right that crack is indeed whack, I have no NO button when it comes to cake. Nay. I only have the PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE button. Next to it is the ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT button which rests nicely next to the WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LIKE FROSTING, GIVE IT HERE button. There's no room for a NO button on my panel of buttons.

When I was a kid, we lived near my aunt who made all kinds of lovely cakes. And at the tender age of 13, I discovered something. I discovered I was REALLY REALLY GOOD at sneaking cake. Would you like to learn my secret method of thievery? Here it is, you ready? Cut veeerrrryyy thin slivers of cake instead of huge gaping squares. There. I know, so simple. You're practically sitting there with slack jaws and wide eyes at my geniusy maneuvers. What can I say?

So. In the face of all this cake, I was like a coffee addict let loose in a new Starbucks with no line. I was out.of.control. I had to take matters into my own hands else I would go hog wild and eat the whole thing whilst my family looked on in horror. So I threw the rest away in the garbage whilst quietly humming TAPS and muttering a fitting eulogy. I wore black today in mourning.

Tell me, fair reader, because misery loves company, what is your drug of choice? Are you gluttoneous about anything?

14 comments:

Unknown Mami said...

I love cake too! Can't have it around because it calls out to me and begs me to eat it. I try to resist it, but it lures me with its siren song.

Creative Junkie said...

Actually, the list of things that I am NOT gluttoneous about would be much easier and faster to type.

As for cake? LOVE.IT.DO.DEATH. Especially frosting. Put a can of frosting in my hands, give me a spoon and I will die a very happy death.

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

Oh Kearsie, how I love you so! I do believe we were twins separated at birth. I love cake. Even crappy cake that is made of funky flavors that I normally detest. Put it in a cake and I go cross-eyed. Brussel sprout cake? I'm so there. I feel your pain.

Sara said...

Hello.... Starbucks. I used to have a 2 cup a day habit, and now, with the help of counseling i have maybe 4 cups a month. Tops. Also, Cadbury Eggs. Thankfully that one is controlled by a seasonal offering only.

Kelly-Jo-Bob said...

Once again, you have brought happiness to my life. Love reading your blogs.

I am in love w/ Debbie Snack Cakes... so I guess it's like cake. Brownies. Candy. Mashed potatoes. Taco-related foods. Sour cream! I could go on... but my mouth is starting to water. And I'm hungry. Again. And I have none of this in my house. .... oh wait! I have brownies!!!!

ElegantSnobbery said...

Exciting news! I have a cure for your cake woes!! I made cupcakes using the Betty Crocker low fat recipe (ie applesauce instead of oil) and they turned out really gross! My kids love them so they eat them all, but I can only stomach one a day, no matter how much frosting I pile on!

I know how you feel, though. We have three Feb birthdays in our house... and then my friend gave us two boxes of Valentines Day funfetti cake mix... so thats 5 boxes of cake in 3 weeks. The junk in my trunk badly needs a car/trunk sale.

w said...

mcribs.

wait for the post.

The Pipster said...

Vanilla and chocolate custard twist (ice cream) on a waffle cone. Yummmmyyy

Loving Wife, Working Mom said...

I got three (I think I am in more trouble than ANYONE): 1) Brownies with nuts (I "let" my 4-year old "talk me into" a fresh batch at least once a month, that doesn't last 36 hours) 2) Cheesecake (NY style, none of that swirly crap) 3) creme brulee (I am a connosieur... Disney World makes a Pistachio Creme Brulee so good, that my husband and I liked the ramekins right there and then... we blamed it on the child-like feelings that Disney brings out in you- but who are we kidding it was GOOD!)

Then, to make things WORSE... Wal-mart now has a Creme Brulee cheesecake... 1200 calories for the tiny little thing... I fast all day and have it for dinner... Brutal.

Julie Rodgers said...

Chocolate is my crack. Which is the worst, because chocolate comes in many different forms, and I love them all. Brownies, truffles, chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake. Chocolate chocolate chocolate. I cannot say no to any form of it.

Much More Than Mommy said...

Chocolate chip cookies. I cannot say no to a chocolate chip cookie. And if the cookie is talking to me, gluttony is the least of my problems.

Amber said...

If it makes you feel better I have been known to eat several sarah lee pumpkin pies. one. after. another. (when i was single, of course) just sitting on my couch with a big glass of milk and the pie tin. I love me some pumpkin pie.

Insanitykim said...

OK, I have to jump on the bandwagon of the insatiable love for cake. And in fact, if I jump on and off, continually, such as in a step-aerobics class, for hours on end, I bet I could eat even more cake...

White cake w/ white frosting. Remember that.

tristan said...

mashed potatoes. word.

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