Who Am I?

Well, inquisitive reader, let me answer. I am a wife, a mom and I have chronic bad hair. I like made uppy words and Unnecessary Capitalization. If you know who the guy in the bottom right picture is, you're probably my best friend. Also, I own several Edward dolls which I write about HERE. No, I don't use drugs. By the way, if your love canned tomatoes, visit my stash HERE.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It's Tuesday, and since we have no cable that means I get to choose between doing laundry or cleaning out my pantry for nighttime entertainment

Why, yes, that is the most obscure and boring title ever.  Thank you for noticing.

SO.

You're all perched anxiously on your seat to know the outcome of my *dum dum dummm* MAMMOSMOOSH.

I would be too, inquisitive reader, especially if I hadn't been through that glamourous experience before.

Well.  Let me just be frank and say-- man, I've never felt sexier.

This was so much worse than that time in 9th grade when my mother shouted to me through the dressing room door how to put on a bra.  It went something like this:  "Bend over and shake them into your bra!  Are you shaking them in?  Are you bent over?  Am I shouting loud enough for you to hear me?" (Why no, I'm not scarred by that experience, why do you ask?)

It was so much worse than the entire school bus turning to stare at my Rocky and Bullwinkle t-shirt after Landon Hessler announced I had big boobs.  So much worse than childbirth, with my legs stuck in stirrups and my mother in law and sister in law in the room, me trying desperately not to cuss out loud.  Also trying not to poop on myself.  

There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to make you feel sexier than seeing your own breast smooshed between two pieces of plastic.

Wait.  I take that back.  The last nail in the coffin of unsexyness is when the mammogram tech-person comes over and manhandles your breast until it fits correctly into the mammogram plasticky pieces.  THAT, my friends, is so much fun you'll want to do that every single year.  Just for fun.  Like going to the girly doctor.

So, yeah.  Unsexyness.

But thankfully, nothing abnormal or weird was in my bosomy areas.  So, I really can't complain.

Next week?  Surgery.

*dum dum dummmm*

8 comments:

Beth Zimmerman said...

Ok ... so I laughed at your mom and then stopped laughing at "surgery." Everything okay?

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I had a mammosmoosh the other day...and I was delighted when the technician's hands were actually WARM! Glad your mammo was fine!

Sara said...

There's so much about this post I want to comment on. First of all? Your mother is KILLING me. That is an unfortunate dressing room experience. Also, I worked at vickie's secret, and it happened all the time. Also, based on said VS employment, I have seen more "nippage" than I ever thought possible. If my mother in law thinks she's staying in the delivery room, she's on crack. There will be cursing. Period. The end. Also, congrats on a successful mammogram? Good luck next week, I'll be praying all goes smoothly!!

Insanitykim said...

There is Hulu ya know...and Netflix...you'll need those while recuperating...I prayed for your surgery, because you don't have to be embarrassed in front of God. Ever. And remember, don't keep them in a jar...kthanks!

Mom said...

Thank goodness I didn't have to tell you how to use feminine hygiene products in public!
I told you my parenting skills sucked!

Marisa Hopkins said...

How did I miss this post? I repeat: HOW DID I MISS THIS POST!?

You are just so funny. You made my Saturday morning with this. And then you ruined my Saturday morning for being so funny I dribbled coffee whilst laughing, and now I have to change my clothes because I look like a slob. It is ALL YOUR FAULT for being hilarious.

Lemonade Makin' Mama said...

There is this really twisted part of me that almost shouted/commented, "Make sure to post a before and after for us." But then I realized how completely innapropriate that might have been. And I'm never innapropriate. (Well, almost never.)

Aunt Melissa said...

yes, breast reduction is all that and then some, just ask me...

Much love to you. Muah!

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