Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.

1.  My Hubs is home.  I am soooo glad.

2.  But wait, you're saying, I didn't even know he was gone!  I know, confusified reader.  It's because I kept that little snippet of info to myself.

3.  Hello, I had just moved to a random town in a new state precisely 900 bajillion miles away from Alabama, live in this crowded complex and was going to be home alone with my two kids.  I totally wasn't going to alert the possible killer neighbor that I was spouseless for 10 whole days, was I?

4.  Of course, now the possible killer neighbor can just come and kill us whilst my Hubs is home.  I hadn't thought of that...

5.  Well, don't worry, worried reader.  I tried to bake some zucchini bread to share with my immediate neighbors, you know, to make them like me and not kill me and hate my kids because they jump instead of walk and stuff, only we live a whole mile above sea level and so therefore my zucchini bread was zucchini bricks.  So, I can always toss a brick at any creepified neighbor.

6.  Seriously, I had to shave the outer layer of the loaf to even find something soft enough to nibble.  Also, because both loaves were not giveable, I had to nibble both loaves.

7.  I bought some shorts.  I know, I'm shocked at my crazy behavior too.

8.  Except, guess what?  The zipper was broken in one of the pairs only I didn't know it until AFTER I came home from an afternoon spent at Chick-fil-A.  I know.  It's a good thing I was wearing bright colored panties so the whole restaurant could see them whilst I was asking for a refill of Diet Coke.

9.  Humility.  Thank you, God, for reminding me to heed my mother's advice and wear clean underwear.

10.  Hubs is home.  This means that I have three people to clean up after now instead of two.  It's a good thing he's so cute and I'm so glad he's home.

11.  No one is digging my Ode.  Except for a few sweet friends, including my awesome friend Marisa, who wrote this awesome short story.  She's way going to be famousy one day, folks.  You just wait.

12.  I've been to our library now three times in one week.  It's like I don't have a life or something.

13.  Also, it's possible I was a wee bit over zealous with my newly acquired library card.  There are seven books on my bedside table.  Seven.  It's like I don't have a life or something.

14.  De ja vu.  It's like I've said that before or something.

15.  I don't know how to do that cute little mark above the de ja vu.

16.  There's an IKEA six hours from me.  I way need to make a road trip.

17.  Anyone speak Swedish?

18.  Also, I hear they pass out meatballs.  This is good.  Now I can just spend my food money on more furniture.

19.  Also, how do you say "Oh man, you got any Febreze?" in Swedish?

20.  Time to go eat a burger.  My life is practically a novel in it's utter coolness.

Peace out, yo.

Ode to a Mattress: the tale of a disgruntled and very sleepy princess

This here is my entry to the Merry Sisters of Fate's contest which is a written piece stemmed from this prompt:

The Princess and the Pea.  I chose an Ode.  Because I do love me some Odes.  Here goes.

Oh you pile of mattresses--

You're mocking me, taunting me with elusive sleep.

I lay all sweetly, with my arms all neatly crossed over my chest.  

Breath all zenlike and close my eyes.  

Ugh.  I toss and turn.

Counting sheep and rearranging covers on my reclined body.

One leg in, one leg out.

Dang.  Shouldn't've had that Diet Coke for dinner.  

I turn on my side, hoping for sleep to steal over me like that one girl,

what’s her name…

Oh yes, Sleeping Beauty.

Where, oh where is a loom with a sharp spindle thingy when you need one?

I flop on my stomach and stuff my face into my pillow.

Down feathers cram their way into my nose

causing a serious sneezing fit.

Exhausted, I lie on my back.

What is that?

Something is digging into my left shoulder blade.

I must find it.  I must find it now.

I must eradicate it, just like I did to that pimple on my forehead.

I climb on hands and knees towards the ladder

perched precariously against my stack of mattresses.

Swinging my legs around and climbing down

on bare toes totally makes me feel all gymnasticsy.

I pass each mattress on my downward trek, all twenty of them.

Quilts of various squashiness and sheets 

sticking out like lettuce on a sandwich.  

Man, I could go for a late night grilled cheese.

I reach the bottom and crouch down on the floor,

trying to peer into the cracks betwixt fabric and mattress.

Somewhere is a Thing.  Surely it’s an orange.

I must perform bedsheet surgery and locate It.

A Princess must have beauty sleep, after all.

At least, that's what Cosmo tells me.  

Not to mention the article about 14 ways to kiss a boy.

But that's another story.

I shove my arm between mattresses and grope with my fingers.

Aha!  There It is!

Grasping It between my fingers, I trap It in my vise of a hand,

draw It out.

It’s...a pea.

A tiny green pea.

What my mother, The Queen, would properly name as

an English Pea.  Because she's way proper like that.

What to do with The Thing?

I cross the room and place it on the windowsill.

It’s far away from my bed- er, beds.

Perhaps now I might get some stinking sleep.

I climb the ladder, toss myself on my pillow.

My eyes close and I slip off to the Land of Nod

and dream.

Of Prince William feeding me...peas.

Who I write like

So yesterday, I was reading my buddy and pal, Elegant Bloggery, where she listed a link you could use to find what famousy writer you write like.

I was game.

So I clicked the link, submitted the first page of my meager book and this is what it came up with:

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I kid you not.  I know.  I'm in shock, too.

Anyhow, this made me really happy.  Perhaps I can do this writing thing after all.

This post is brought to you in conjunction with Leigh vs. Laundry and The Happiness Project.

Monday is a royal pain

Dude, I really need to go on a diet.  For real.

--Things the Queen would never say

Kearsie The Hermit

It's been so long since I was a stay at home mom that I've forgotten what it's like to be a stay at home mom.  I totally feel out of sorts.

For the past almost three years, I was a working mom/come home and do laundry until midnight mom.  I felt continual guilt because I hadn't played Barbies and Pictureka with my kids enough.  I didn't fawn on The Hubs enough.  I didn't cook or bake or what have you...enough.

And now I'm back at it, as one of those at home moms.  And I'm clueless as to what to do.  There's only so much housework until you go crazy and become a Mommy Dearest screaming at your kids for using wire hangers.

I'm writing now.  Like writing writing.  Did you know that?  That I harbor this quasi-secret dream of being a writer?  Somedays, I convince myself I'll rock it and pump out this book and things will be totally peachy because I'll be able to afford a Dyson.  And then somedays I sit and stare at my computer thinking, what the crap are you thinking?

Today's a good day.  I managed to write two pages.  Big deal, you scoff.  Hey, you try putting sludge from your brain on cyber paper and then you can tell me it's no big deal.

But what I really want to talk about today is...

Hermitness.

I had no idea I was a hermit until we moved here and I went to make zucchini bread but lacked about fifteen ingredients because, hello, we just moved here.

And suddenly the idea of trolling the aisles at the Walmarts was so...too much.

As I sit, I'm in my PJs and it's near noon.  I'm trying to muster myself from my chair to get me and the fam ready to attempt the library.  This is a big deal because it's in another town and I've never been there before.

This is different than laziness.  This is Hermitness.

And heading to the library?  That is huge Anti-Hermitic behavior.

Tell me, do you know what I'm talking about?  Also, what's your favorite flavor of cake?  Because, I think I'm going to reward myself while I'm out for conquering my Hermitness.

Keyboard...observations?

Dude.  I've practically forgotten how to blog.  And sitting here in my new digs, things just feel all weirdy.

But here's what I've noticed here in the Coloradoes:

1.  Making out with my dishwasher was fun the first time.  Now it's just work.  Kind of like marriage.  Oh snap.

2.  Just kidding, Hubs.  Erm.  Also, little dishwasher detergent cube thingies?  Best invention ever.

3.  Our laptop was stolen within the first like, 17 hours of being here.  Everyone is a suspect.  Even the old lady down the block.

4.  There are people everywhere.  Suddenly, being clothed is a necessity.  Those aren't cows outside those windows.

5.  The Pool:  where I wish I had a Beach Towel Snuggie.

6.  Our garage is reallllllly tiny.  Like, I suspect by the end of the year I'm going to shear the side mirrors right off my car.

7.  We have valet trash service.  I know.  Fancy.  It's ok to be jealous.

8.  We got innernets and cables today.  I almost busted into tears and hugs for the Cable Man.  But I was too busy calming down my kids because...

9.  ...Hello, we live on the top floor.  And apparently my kids only know how to jump, hop or leapfrog to and fro.

10.  I bought all these great vegetables at the Farmer's Market.  Now I just have to actually cook and eat them.  Man, feeling accomplished sure does take a lot of effort.

11.  Locker hooking.  Not that kind of hooking.  The arts and crafts kind of hooking.  I'm doing it.  My kitchen floor will thank me.  Or, my kitchen floor will just be glad to have a buffer for spills and crumbs from the kids.  Either way, I'm on it, kitchen floor.

12.  I can throw a rock and hit a store.  But I shan't throw rocks because it's just way too hot to do much more than turn pages in a book.  Give me until around October.

13.  We tried to feed the neighborhood rabbits some organic carrots.  They were none too impressed.  I'll bet if we threw them chunks of cake they'd be happy.  I know I'd be happy if someone threw chunks of cake into my mouth.  Caaaake.

14.  Carpet under the dining room table.  I know.  I think the apartment owners are stupid too.

15.  I priced a Dyson yesterday.  I might be able to purchase one by the year 2015.  *here's hoping*

16.  We're going to have to buy like, 37 more bookshelves to house all our books.

17.  We're going to have to buy like, 37 more pieces of cake.

18.  I'm going to have to spend like, 37 more hours in the gym.

19.  Dude.  I have *got* to learn to write outside of a list format.

20.  I found my camera and my Edward doll.  He still has his scarf.  Some of you are really happy and some of you are scratching your head.  Just get ready.

Happy...um, what day is it anyways?

Keyboard Confessions: The Echoey Edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.

1.  So we've loaded up most of our worldly goods into a horse trailer.  My inlaws shall drive said trailer across approximately 47 states to our destination of the great state of the Coloradoes.  I'm fairly certain this means they win My Inlaws Pwn Award.

2.  Dust bunnies:  what apparently has been mating underneath any and all furniture.

3.  I read somewhere that if you ripped up your carpet, swept all the dust into a pile outside your house that the government would call that a toxic waste site.  Guess what?  I'm breathing it right now.  Maybe I should try to get on disability.

4.  Guess what?  When you play approximately 72 episodes of Inspector Gadget for your kids, you begin to lose your mind.  Could he be any dumber?

5.  I found a ton of outdated food in my cupboard.  Mostly it was random things like tuna, but still.  I feel guilty for wasting.  Also, I wonder what happens to old food once it ends up in a landfill?  Sadly, I will think on this subject for years.  I know.  Perhaps it's time to pursue medicinal therapy.

6.  I also found approximately 58 Barbies.  All of them were plasticky nekkid.  It was a bit of a freak show.  Also, their hair?  Ugh.  Seriously, why bother, Mattel?  Wait, is Mattel who puts out Barbies?  I'm so tired, I can't bring myself to Google it.

7.  Confession:  I always spell it Goggle first.

8.  Confession:  when I hear the word Google, I think of that one line in Twilight where Edward snarkily tells Bella she can Google it.

9.  Eclipse.  I went.  I saw.  I ate Twizzlers.  I thought it a great movie.  However, I was so distracted by Bella's wig I almost couldn't bear it.  Seriously.  So.distracted.

10.  If I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be all, "I am so bigger than M. Night Shamalan and Stephen King.  I'm totes going to make a cameo in each movie.  Get over it, homey."  Also, apparently I think Stephenie Meyer talks like a thug.  It could happen.

11.  It shall be a strange weekend.  All of our stuff will be loaded up and we won't have a thing to do.  If you hear strange maniacal laughing from my corner of the universe, it's because I lost my mind.  Or, I tickled my children to death.  Or, I was watching a Literal Version video.

12.  You don't know what a Literal Version video is?  Seriously, we just might have to break up.  Dude, head to the youtubes RIGHT.NOW. Search for Literal Version videos.  Choose one.  I prefer the Creed one. Pee pee nah nah blah.  Yes I'm making you look it up, haven't I just explained I'm too tired to link junk up?

13.  Also, I feel old school.  Before life handed links out left and right.  Like, 1989 Old School.

14.  I love my Snuggie.  Also, guess what?  I have to fight my kids for it.  Apparently, they love my Snuggie too.  Also, you know what else loves it?  Hair.  It came out of the box bright pink.  Today, after all three of us ladyfolk have passed it around, it's got a brown tinge.  From hair, people.  Also, maybe my hair loss isn't normal.  Is this a clue that I'll be Rogaining it in the near future?

15.  Confession:  I'm pretty sure that me and my Bestie ruined watching Twilight because when Carlisle says to Bella "Enimel etteck", I die.  Hahaahahahahaahah, oh man he slays me with that.  You don't get it?  Well, you're missing out, my friend.  Also, my Bestie gets it.  Don't you, Bestie?  *high five*

16. Omg, it's happening.  I'm losing my mind.

17.  I was going to breathe all deeply and zenlike except my nose is all stuffed up.

18.  My spice rack is so giant it won't fit in any of my boxes.  So annoying.  Idk why I told you that except every now and then it's nice to feed you snippets of Kearsie Trivia.  Now you know, Kearsie has a giant rack. A spice rack, homey.

19.  Today, whilst lolling on my dusty carpet, I balanced a football on one end.  Because of this, I'm fairly certain I can do anything.  Or, that the pile in our carpet is deeper than I thought.  Either one is good.

20.  The next time you hear from me, I'll have crossed into the mountainy area of Coloradoes, and will probably be sitting on a camping chair with my Snuggie.

Happy Friday.