Keyboard Confessions: The Echoey Edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly this is just an excuse to write a list.

1.  So we've loaded up most of our worldly goods into a horse trailer.  My inlaws shall drive said trailer across approximately 47 states to our destination of the great state of the Coloradoes.  I'm fairly certain this means they win My Inlaws Pwn Award.

2.  Dust bunnies:  what apparently has been mating underneath any and all furniture.

3.  I read somewhere that if you ripped up your carpet, swept all the dust into a pile outside your house that the government would call that a toxic waste site.  Guess what?  I'm breathing it right now.  Maybe I should try to get on disability.

4.  Guess what?  When you play approximately 72 episodes of Inspector Gadget for your kids, you begin to lose your mind.  Could he be any dumber?

5.  I found a ton of outdated food in my cupboard.  Mostly it was random things like tuna, but still.  I feel guilty for wasting.  Also, I wonder what happens to old food once it ends up in a landfill?  Sadly, I will think on this subject for years.  I know.  Perhaps it's time to pursue medicinal therapy.

6.  I also found approximately 58 Barbies.  All of them were plasticky nekkid.  It was a bit of a freak show.  Also, their hair?  Ugh.  Seriously, why bother, Mattel?  Wait, is Mattel who puts out Barbies?  I'm so tired, I can't bring myself to Google it.

7.  Confession:  I always spell it Goggle first.

8.  Confession:  when I hear the word Google, I think of that one line in Twilight where Edward snarkily tells Bella she can Google it.

9.  Eclipse.  I went.  I saw.  I ate Twizzlers.  I thought it a great movie.  However, I was so distracted by Bella's wig I almost couldn't bear it.  Seriously.  So.distracted.

10.  If I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be all, "I am so bigger than M. Night Shamalan and Stephen King.  I'm totes going to make a cameo in each movie.  Get over it, homey."  Also, apparently I think Stephenie Meyer talks like a thug.  It could happen.

11.  It shall be a strange weekend.  All of our stuff will be loaded up and we won't have a thing to do.  If you hear strange maniacal laughing from my corner of the universe, it's because I lost my mind.  Or, I tickled my children to death.  Or, I was watching a Literal Version video.

12.  You don't know what a Literal Version video is?  Seriously, we just might have to break up.  Dude, head to the youtubes RIGHT.NOW. Search for Literal Version videos.  Choose one.  I prefer the Creed one. Pee pee nah nah blah.  Yes I'm making you look it up, haven't I just explained I'm too tired to link junk up?

13.  Also, I feel old school.  Before life handed links out left and right.  Like, 1989 Old School.

14.  I love my Snuggie.  Also, guess what?  I have to fight my kids for it.  Apparently, they love my Snuggie too.  Also, you know what else loves it?  Hair.  It came out of the box bright pink.  Today, after all three of us ladyfolk have passed it around, it's got a brown tinge.  From hair, people.  Also, maybe my hair loss isn't normal.  Is this a clue that I'll be Rogaining it in the near future?

15.  Confession:  I'm pretty sure that me and my Bestie ruined watching Twilight because when Carlisle says to Bella "Enimel etteck", I die.  Hahaahahahahaahah, oh man he slays me with that.  You don't get it?  Well, you're missing out, my friend.  Also, my Bestie gets it.  Don't you, Bestie?  *high five*

16. Omg, it's happening.  I'm losing my mind.

17.  I was going to breathe all deeply and zenlike except my nose is all stuffed up.

18.  My spice rack is so giant it won't fit in any of my boxes.  So annoying.  Idk why I told you that except every now and then it's nice to feed you snippets of Kearsie Trivia.  Now you know, Kearsie has a giant rack. A spice rack, homey.

19.  Today, whilst lolling on my dusty carpet, I balanced a football on one end.  Because of this, I'm fairly certain I can do anything.  Or, that the pile in our carpet is deeper than I thought.  Either one is good.

20.  The next time you hear from me, I'll have crossed into the mountainy area of Coloradoes, and will probably be sitting on a camping chair with my Snuggie.

Happy Friday.

Keybored Confessions - The Intentional Typo Edition

Every week I sit down and confess some things.  Mostly it's just an excuse to write a list. 

1.  I have exactly one week before I have my very last day of work.  I confess that I'm relieved/sad/scared we'll starve.

2.  I'm thinking of giving up Diet Coke.  I confess each time I cradle and make out with a can of Diet Coke, I croon "I'll never quit you".  Except I might be lying.  Because it's not good for me.

3.  This is just like the Reese's Cup Obsession of 2009.  It was tough and I went through withdrawls, but I did, in fact, quit them.  I confess that sometimes I dream of the silky smooth peanut buttery goodness.

4.  For the very first time, I was asked to guest post on my buddy Vanessa's blog.  It happened this past Monday.  Guess what I did?  If you guessed Keyboard Confessions, you deserve a Klondike Bar.  I confess I never eat Klondike Bars, although I cast them about in everyday conversations.  Also, if you read my guest post, beware.  I use the word "vaginal".  Aaaaand now the pornbots have found me.  Yay.

5.  Recently, a family member made this comment about my post on Monday about The Queen and boogers:

that's gross, but somehow appropriate for your blog.

6.  I laughed and laughed. And then felt kind of sad.  I confess I'm beginning to question the legacy I'm leaving my children. 

7.  Also, if I died today, what would be said in my eulogy?  "Well, she made some good booger jokes."  I confess, this makes me want to take stock of my life.  Maybe I need to throw in some that's what she said jokes, just to mix it up.  Also, my coworker was very surprised I was capable of making a TWSS joke.  Dude, it's not that hard.  That's what she said.  See? 

8.  I wonder if I'll ever be asked to guest post again?  Or interview.  I'm not picky.  Ask me a question, I'll lay it on you. 

9.  Words, that's what I'll lay on you, guttermind.  Or some lotion, because you're ashy.  It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again. 

10.  I confess that I read the book for Silence of the Lambs.  Because the movie just wasn't near scary enough. 

11.  Man I want some Diet Coke.  I ain't quittin you!  maybe.

12.  Ooh!  Guess what? In one month, I'll be sniffing the blue skies of Superior, Colorado!  I'm assuming the blue skies there smell of jasmine with undertones of sugar cookies.  Or really clean air.  One of those two.  Also, you wanna see my new digs?  Of course you do!

13.  You know what else is cool?  I think I get to meet in real life Tristan from The Transient Pod!  I know, she might have a shank or a switchblade or something skeery.  But I have some hand sanitizer so I'm ok.  Also, if she's really scary, I'll just sic my kids on her and they'll kill her with whining and fighting.  Or at least make her ears bleed.  I confess I feel protected by the magical power of bratty kids. 

14.  According to my youngest daughter, she loves me one bar more than my Hubs.  Whatever that means.  I'm betting it's good.  I confess I feel smug typing this. 

15.  I'm going to have to do it, folks.  Pack, that is.  Mostly this is because all our broken down boxes are stacked up next to my dresser keeping me from reaching my underwear drawer.  I confess I'm thinking of just buying new underwear.  I really hate packing.

16.  You know what else I hate?  Radio talk shows.  I confess I feel intellectually boring.  Also, I feel intellectually dumb as I had to look up on the googles how to spell intellectually.  Just kidding.  mostly.

17.  It'll take us a couple of days to drive our moving truck to Colorado.  This is our family vacation.  Guess which route we'll take?  KANSAS.  I know.  I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.  Also, any of you awesome readers from Kansas?  Anything fun and adventuresome in Kansas?  *crickets chirping*

18.  Apple iPhone 4g.  Yes please.  I confess this makes me feel covety.

19.  iPrecious will be sad.  I shall sit here and cradle and stroke my iPrecious and coo "I'll never quit you".  until i get an iPhone 4g.

20.  I'm feeling ashy.  I rub the lotion on my skin, and sign off until we meet again.

Happy Friday.

Whooey at the flies from all my open windows

If you're just tuning in and don't know what all the talk about opening windows and telling my history means, read up here and here.

So I left you hanging all weekend.  This was because I've been up to armpit hairs in boxes and trash bags.  But I'm getting ahead of myself so let me back up.

So, it's like, idk, circa 2005 and we're all hot and heavy about planting a church, right?  Which was a big fat deal, because I was so whole heartedly against it.  Actually, I was just scared of it. 

We decided to move to Tennessee and pastor a church there.  It was a big move for us and we were told by the church that hired my Hubs that they were completely excited about having a young pastor with lots of ideas on how to reach young people to grow the church.

Eight months later, my sweet Hubs was fired from the church for being too young and having too many ideas reaching too many young people who were joining the church. 

I know. 

I...know. 

What you feel is what we felt times eleventy billion.

About five minutes after being told the news, we sat there letting YOU'RE FIRED soak in, a group of people who were Pro-MySweetHubs approached us and asked us if we would consider staying to start a new church.

Soooo not the way we envisioned that whole thing playing out, but whatever.  Innovation is...something wisdomy and smarty or something. So we stayed.

Except...it just didn't feel right.  Kind of like that time I had a ratt tail, it just felt...weird.  Neither of us had peace about doing this church start.  It was a good thing with great people, just not the right time. 

Not to mention, hello, living with no salary and only donations sure do make your credit card bills stack up. 

So off my Hubs went to a conference, to snuggle all up in God's armpit and discuss our future and junk.  And 2 days later he came back all weepy and happy and junk.  And I was all full of the trepidatiousness and skeerdy catness and junk.  And he said, "Whaddya think about moving to Boulder, Colorado to plant a church?"  And I was all, mustnotsayhellno, mustnotsayhellno, mustnotsayhellno..."Ok". 

And there was Purpose again.

Except, we were stuck in a lease at our apartment and it would cost us approximately $98,226,355.00 to break it.  Which probably wasn't the actual figure but when you're uber poor, that's about what it feels like. 

And thus began Miracles.

First, we needed a place to just Live and Be.  A place to Work Off Debt.  A place to Heal, because getting fired from a church sucks big fat rocks and other stuff and no seminary or book can prepare you for the emotions that transpire once a Firing has occurred.  And that place ended up being *cue trumpets* the apartment we lived those few months betwixt college and seminary! 

But first *cue bass drum beats* we had to deal with The Giant Lease.  And here is where Miracle #1 fits it.  See, unbeknownst to us, the owners of our apartment buildings were also the owners of an Old Folksy Type Home next door.  And those owners had themselves a Planning Session wherein they decided they needed to demolish our apartments to make room for some kind of Entertainmenty Type Place for Oldy Type People.  And in a big fat catered dinner for all the lease holders, we were told DUDE, YOU'RE NO LONGER IN A LEASE, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, IN FACT, EVERYONE GETS THEIR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK TOO, EVEN YOU MURPHY FOLKS WHO'S KIDS SCRATCHED THE WALLS WITH CRAYONS AND FREDDY KRUGER TYPE NAILS, YES YOU TOO SHALL GET MONIES BACK, PLEASE TRY THE FISH.

And should you have been at that fancy dinner, you would've spotted a large group of shocked and sad people who were none too pleased with this news and at the table next to them was a blond guy and a brunetty lady with their arms raised in V for Victory.  <---That would be me and the Hubs, for the uninformed.

Insert Miracle #2:  Now freed from the expensive lease breakage, we boxed up what little possessions we deemed necessary, donated and/or sold most of our furniture and crammed our junk into a little trailer that was donated to us.  It was just big enough for us.  And what we sold and lived off of once arriving on the farm.

Insert Miracle #3:  My Hubs had a job waiting for him immediately working with his cousin.  This was because his uncle fell and broke his ankle.  Sad for him, but a paycheck for us. 

Insert Miracle #4:  This one company with the name of a popular red fruit responded to the application my Hubs had sent in months earlier for the new store being built in the next town.  They basically loved him and created a job for him.  I wasn't surprised.  He's pretty great, ya'll. 

I found a job just down the road from my house, working on a computer blogging facebooking typing up legalish stuff.  I'm near my kids, I take off when I need to and I am plied with chocolate and Diet Coke.  Not exactly heaven, but pretty durn close.  Except for the leaky roof and all the dust.  Those are lame.

So Work and Live and Be and Heal we did.  Except, this was not Boulder, Colorado.  And our Debt was still Mega Huge and Never Ending.  It would take another one of those miracle thingies to get us there.

Insert Miracle #5:  My Hubs applied to a program within his job.  Out of 8,000 applicants, he was one of a few selected.  I told you, he's awesome.  And guess where his new job would be?  If you guessed BOULDER, COLORADO, you deserve a gold star.  Or a thumbs up.  Because I don't have any gold stars.

And so, after all this time, we're moving to Colorado.

And you wanna hear the ironical part of it all?  All along, we would say we wanted to be there by July of 2010.  And guess when we'll be moving?  July 1, 2010.  Ironicalish.  Or, super duper amazingly cool.

And so now you know.  And so now I pack.

Happy Monday.