Keyboard Confessions

Every week I sit down and confess some things. Mostly its just an excuse to write a list.

1. Today I'm feeling sassy. Not just sassy. More like sass-ay.

2. For breakfast today I ate a leftover taco. It was 70/30 yumm-ay/yuck-ay.

3. You question my choice, I know, but it was all I had and I was hungr-ay.

4. I got on the scale today and saw I lost a pound. Big whoop, you say. Well, Mr. Scoffer, or his second cousin twice removed Ms. Scoffer, just look at this and tell me it's a big whoop-

5. Also, I regret eating anything now. *retch* Also, coffee anyone? Feeling vomit-ay.

6. Hop over to my buddy and pal, Speaking From the Crib, where you'll see I've won the Zombie Chicken award...again! I am so luck-ay.

7. The radio is on and guess what just came on? If you guessed Party in the USA, you'd be right. Bonus-ay.

8. And then guess what I just pulled up on the youtubes? If you guessed the ASL version of this song, you'd also be right. Genius-ay.



9. Props to my Hubs for starting my car today for me. It was so cold it would've froze my boot-ay.

10. Plus, the heat melted the frost which then mixed with the bird poo on my windshield which were wiped by the wipers. That grammar sucks. Not so smart-ay.

11. Hubs doesn't read my blog anymore, so those props are just floating around in space somewhere. Float-ay. And space-ay.

12. Just burped. Really regretting the early morning taco. Sicknast-ay.

13. Did you know there is a Sparkly Edward doll? I must have this. For my collection. If you're judging me, shutt-ay.

14. There's also a Twilight Convention nearby at the end of the month. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my Hubs. Mistake-ay.

15. Not that I'd go, you know. Or maybe I'd, you know, just drive by. With all my Edward dolls. And his Snuggie. And scarf. And Team Edward tshirt with the puff paint. I'd stay like, 10 minutes. Tops. Pinkie swear-ay.

16. Or maybe I'd go and bring my camera and pose me and my Edward dolls with each and every person possible. More like the truth-ay.

17. ...I've just lost all respect, haven't I? Alas-ay.

18. Did you know there is a contest for the fastest texters in the world? There's even an article and pic. Bizarr-ay.

19. Guess what? I will never win this contest. Nay. I'm a slave to the English language and will always choose to spell out each.and.every.world. Anal-ay.

20. Bad choice for that last word. Sad-lay.

Happy Frid-ay.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

I rush to the stage, waving my Miss America wave as I go, tripping on the dangly sequin thingies hanging from my gown.

I clamber to the stage, grinning for the world to see my pearly whites, along with my freshly trimmed nostril hairs, and my chronic bad hair whipped into submission.

I grab the Zombie Chicken award from Insanity Kim and quickly turn to the microphone.

"Thank you!" I cry. The audience cringes as feedback squeals manically.

"This is such a surprise! Hold on, I have notes..." I fumble my Zombie Chicken award whilst hunting for my folded up napkin that is tucked close to my armpit in my dress. Hey, it's not like I had pockets in this fancy thing. At least I wore deodorant.

I unfold my notes and see that the sweat from the armpit region has completely obliterated all my notes, except for the word FEBREZE. Alas, I shall just have to wing it.

"Umm. So, this Zombie Chicken award is super special because it means that someone thinks I am worth braving an army of zombie chickens pecking away at them with danger of disease and death at every corner just to read my blog!" I wipe a tear.

"So I'd like to thank my Hubs and kids, for their inspiration, and to my blog buddies, for their comments and blogs full of funny, for my chronic bad hair, including my nostril hair, which often plagues me *chokes back sob*, for The Queen, and what she's done for my Mondays, *I wipe my nose*, for my Edward Doll *I fan my face with my gloved hand* and for all his Adventures *I put my face in my hand and wail, some kind soul ushers me off the stage as a smatter of applause ripples across the audience, producers cue the commercial to Febreze*

It could happen.

So, thank you, Insanity Kim, for my awesome award!

Now, I bestow this award on those bloggers out there which I would brave an army of diseased and deadly Zombie Chickens just to read their funny.

*Much More Than Mommy, who started this mission with me

*Jenny On The Spot, who wears black nail polish and who I admire greatly

*Speaking From The Crib, who has already received this award because she's awesome

*For Love or Funny, because she is so very, you guessed it, funny

and

*Wendiwinn, even though she's too cool to accept awards

So, thank you and high fives all around!