Open Letter to Toilet Seat Designers

Dear Toilet Seat Makers/Designers/Engineers,

Hi, my name is Kearsie and I have a problem. See, we just got a new toilet at work, and it's the most uncomfortable seat you could ever imagine. And I have to ask you- what's the deal? Have you never sat on a toilet seat before? Why on earth would you design/engineer/create such an uncomfortable seat?

Perhaps I've missed my calling. See, I've sat on a lot of toilet seats in my day. Heck, one might even call me a connoisseur of toilet seats. I know my toilet seats. Perhaps I should be a toilet seat designer.

I did some research here on my innernets. This is to show you I'm super serious about my complaint. Here's what I found:

You've got your standard basic toilet seat:

See? Basic. Plain Jane. But simple and functional.

Then you've got your wooden seats:

I'm not sure who came up with this little gem, as it is also mildly uncomfortable and your skin sticks to it.

Then you start going downhill:

The Padded Toilet Seat. Often decorative. Still gross. Also, there is nothing worse then your skin sticking to these in the heat of summer. Even worse is that awful hiss of the toilet seat decompressing when you sit on it. Come on, people.

Then there are the novelty types:

Tell me, please, who...WHO would buy and use this? Is it the same people who would buy and use this?

Or this:

...ok, I admit those lights are kind of cool.

Still, we haven't even touched on the worst kind. What is the worst? You know the worst...it's the industrial toilet seat. Prepare yourself for the horror:

It's awful. It's unfinished. And guess what? When you're sitting there trying to finish business, that little gap is pure torture! Parts of your legs might fall through and...*gag* touch gross things! For the love of all things holy, man, why would you create such a monstrosity!!

Grossed out and uncomfortable bathroom patron,

Kearsie